Continuity Comics was a strange, but fascinating (at the time) looking publishing line back in the day, founded by Neal Adams, best known for being an ahead-of-his-time comic artist in the late 70s/early 80s, and later for turning out to be a complete maniac that thinks that the Earth is hollow and constantly expanding like a big balloon. I remember reading an issue of Armor when I was a kid and thinking it was cool because it had some pretty nice art and was oddly graphically violent for its time. Oddly enough, it was years before I ever saw another issue of the series on sale anywhere so I couldn’t have really gotten into Continuity at the time, even if I tried. This was in part due to the low number of issues printed which brought a lack of availability. Also, as it turns out, they had some truly awful release schedules. The first volume of Armor ran for only 13 issues, but was apparently spread out over SEVEN YEARS. How in the world did they keep this company going for 10 years? It makes even less sense when you try to actually read the stuff.
So obviously I had some weird nostalgic itch and decided I was going to give this stuff a try. I began with Armor, the only series I had read any of before. Just look how gritty and violent that looks. To a dumbass kid who thought Rob Liefeld was an amazing artist at the time, this looked fucking amazing.
I have no fucking idea what that sentence means. The only way that sentence makes sense is if Armor was some pre-established identity that some dying guy is passing on to someone else, Green Lantern style, but nothing like that ever happens in this comic. Nothing happens that even remotely justifies that text. Anyway…Armor begins with two young tough guy brothers living in some random unknown town in Canada. Very soon after they’re introduced, aliens come down and start bombing the living shit out of their town for no apparent reason. Oh no! The bros’ house is blown up with their parents inside!
What. How could anyone possibly think that sounded right? I guess Neal Adams must be in charge of editing his own writing since it’s his own comic line. I can’t imagine any real editor not stopping right here and saying “SOMETHING DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT HERE!”.
Anyway, the bros survive and decide that they should head straight for the armory. “The armory”. There is no military base around. Not a single soldier or cop in sight for that matter, not even when the town is being bombed into oblivion, so…whose armory is this? This fictional Canadian town just has a public town armory that all the citizens can just walk into and start loading up on assault rifles, grenades, and even rocket launchers? Now, I’ve never been to Canada, but I’m pretty sure they don’t do that there. Anyway, the reader knows the attackers are aliens because we are clearly shown the evil aliens talking about attacking Earth in the beginning, but the citizens of Armoryville didn’t see that scene and haven’t seen who or what is inside the futuristic, but not really all that alien-looking planes that are bombing them. Luckily they are able to solve the mystery using logic.
Skipping ahead…everyone dies except the bros. The bros are then abducted and given power ratings. Armor, a.k.a. bro #1, is found to be an ultra-rare 10, but no one ever really explains what this means, despite the fact that they refer to it constantly. Anyway, they train Armor to be some kind of super space ninja and give Silver Streak, a.k.a. bro #2, energy blasting powers, all so they can sell them to someone, somewhere. Again, it’s never really clearly explained. I think they gave the bros some kind of special dialogue training though.
The next few issues are just spent on torturing and training the bros for purposes unknown. The head evil alien, another “10” named Rage, seems to enjoy messing with the bros’ heads just for the hell of it. After a while he shows up in person to smack Armor around and ends up cutting off his hand. He then restrains him and shows him his hand, telling him that they have the technology to easily reattach it, but then he proceeds to stick it in a space blender instead, just to be a dick. It’s ok though, because he gets a totally indistinguishable-from-real robo-hand next issue anyway. Why not?
I don’t know. The plot just gets harder and harder to follow as it goes on with increasing insanity. The bros try to make friends with some other enslaved aliens there and plan some kind of escape and blah blah blah.
Oh shit. This dialogue is just so unbelievably bad. This publishing line was around for TEN YEARS before it went under. TEN YEARS! HOW? Seriously how has Neal Adams ever even gotten through a job interview with how blatantly insane he is, much less ran a whole company? He may not have run it very well, but he got people to work for him and keep pumping these things out for TEN YEARS! He still gets work today too! Ughhh. Alright, I’ll just try one more issue. This is the big battle between Armor and Rage. Should be good for a laugh at least, right?
Nope. Nope. NOPE. I’m done. There is no way in hell I’m reading any more of this stuff. I really don’t know what I was thinking with this. I’m sure there is a veritable comedy goldmine inside the rest of the comics in this batshit insane publishing line, but I can’t force myself through any more of it. Fuck it. The end.