I end up playing a lot of games that I don’t like and quit pretty quickly, but never mention here because I don’t want to go through the effort of setting up a pretty little page just for a game I hated, but I feel like complaining about some of the unpleasant games I played today to no one in particular so I’ll just do it in the most basic way possible…
La Mulana EX (Vita)
This game actually started out being pretty fun, which made it all the more disappointing when it suddenly became a drudging chore to play. People often describe it as a 2D Dark Souls, which I suppose is the easiest way to explain it. Normal enemies aren’t really any challenge, but the bosses are usually very nasty and the level design is more than a little convoluted. That’s the problem actually, the level design. Things start out simple enough. You start in the first dungeon, which branches off in 3 possible other directions and things seem no more complicated than your usual Metroidvania type world map, but these levels all branch out into more and more levels and each time you go further in, things get more and more obscure and confusing. You’ll quickly find that you can’t actually progress in most of the available levels without some kind of special item so you’re going to have to backtrack and check a different area to see if it has a progress enabling item in it, but with no indication of where you should go next or what exactly it is you even need, combined with the ever growing number of possible locations, this starts to become extremely tedious.
Things just got worse though. Levels just get more and more convoluted, requiring increasingly abstract puzzles to be solved to progress. Your only clues to these puzzles are the cryptic stone tablets you find in levels, but these things are fucking everywhere and most of them are just useless nonsense. Basically you are expected to be manually writing down every single message you find in case one of them is actually a vague reference to a puzzle and even then you still probably won’t know what you’re supposed to be doing. It got to the point where I was having to check guides every few rooms because almost every fucking room is some sadistically obtuse puzzle that you don’t know if you just missed a random text that had the answer for or you need an item that’s 10 levels away in the other direction and you know what? Fuck it, I don’t care. Apparently I’m only halfway through the game still. It’s too much like work and it’s not fun anymore and that’s not worth any more of my time.
Zombi/ZombiU/whatever the fuck
This is a port of a WiiU game, so unsurprisingly it looks like an old Xbox 360 game. That’s ok, I’m not all about graphics. It’s a zombie game, it seems to have decent reviews, and it was free on PSN, so how could I go wrong here? Holy shit is this game unpleasant to play. The controls are amazingly bad. Movement and combat feels uncomfortably stiff no matter how high I turn up the movement sensitivity. You have to push in the analog stick, the same one you use to move, AND HOLD IT, to run. What is this, the fucking 90s? Ok, fine. I’ll keep trying. Oh man. Items and containers are not clearly marked at all so you have to use this scanner view to see and mark them, but you can’t move while using it and almost everything you see around you is just empty anyway. Neat. Uurrgh. Hit detection and aiming is so terrible. Let’s try the gun, maybe that’s better? Nope. Still sluggish and unpleasant feeling. Oh, now I have to reload while 3 zombies are charging me, but I can’t switch back to my melee weapon without manually selecting it in my non-game-pausing backpack? COOL! And just when I was thinking “I think I’m going to turn this off now”, the game crashed anyway. This game is so shit that it can’t even run properly on a console that’s almost two generations ahead of its technology. Worst zombies ever.