The Vita Report


Roguelike game with a retro kind of Gameboy style to it. Sounds like a winner in theory. You fall down a ridiculously long well, jumping on creatures heads or shooting them as you go down, and that’s about it. Unfortunately I made the mistake of approaching it like other roguelikes and tried to approach things slowly and carefully, but apparently in this game it’s better to rush down as fast and crazy as possible so you can build up this combo meter and get better money and health bonuses and etc. I had already gotten used to getting through more than half the game in the slow, careful style, so I basically had to relearn how to play the “proper” way from scratch, and well, that kind of put me off of the game, so I just moved on. Maybe I’ll try it out again someday…


Kind of a mash-up of a Metroidvania game and a physics puzzler. You run around solving puzzles and mostly just avoiding enemies, since there is no real combat in most of the game, though there are bosses, which can be a bit frustrating when you only have 1 HP, no weapon, and the physics are a little off at times. Despite some rough edges though, it was enjoyable overall.


WOW IT’S THE OREGON TRAIL, BUT WITH ZOMBIES! EVERYONE LOVES OREGON TRAIL, RIGHT? HOW COULD THIS GO WRONG? I think we’ve all forgotten why we played Oregon Trail back in the day though. I think most of us played it because it was on like every 80s school computer ever. It was one of the only games teachers would allow on the computers other than strictly educational games and when you were a young child in the early 80s with little to no access to video games anywhere and your choices on this school computer were Oregon Trail or, I don’t know, Math Blaster or some shit…Oregon Trail seemed pretty amazing. Let me tell you though, it doesn’t hold up well at all. I don’t know. Some people are into text adventures, and I guess this would be fun for them, but I don’t particularly enjoy games that are literally just walls of text 95% of the time. If I want nothing but text I’ll go read a book. Pass.


Wow, I haven’t played this one for quite a while. I was suddenly struck with flashbacks of the early Robitussin days, where this game was new and I’d try to play it while out of my mind on cough syrup, get lost and die in the first level, and then it would just end up sitting there with the demo menu with the theme song playing over and over and over again. Fun times. Anyway, this is still pretty fun. You get an obscene amount of ammo, as there are wayyyyy more zombies than the previous game, oh and Nemesis appearing constantly, requiring big piles of ammo to put down each time. Not one of the greatest games in the series, but still a solid bit of zombie blasting fun.


This is that game where it’s all huge bosses and you only have 1 HP, and all you get to fight them with is a single arrow that you must retrieve and use over and over again. It’s not nearly as difficult as it sounds, as the bosses only have 1 HP too. It’s just a matter of finding the weak spot to shoot each time. I think the most frustrating thing was the load times, actually. When everyone only has 1 HP, the fights are over in a few seconds, so when you’re trying to beat some difficult guy and the battles are lasting 2-10 seconds on average each attempt, but then you have to sit through 30-60 seconds of loading and walking back to that boss room each time. Other than some time spent wandering around the empty, pointless areas between boss rooms, these boss fights and their re-loading take up the majority of the time spent on the game, which means that overall you are actually spending more time waiting for the game to load than you are spending actually playing the game. Maybe this loads much faster on other systems, I don’t know, but that was a pretty big downside to an otherwise enjoyable little game.


Hey, everyone loves that Tomb Raider shit, right? So clearly, what they would really love is a Tomb Raider, but in the form of a turn-based puzzle game port, RIGHT? Well, yeah, actually it’s pretty good. Nice looking low-poly visual design and a large amount of increasingly challenging, tomb raiding puzzles. Good times.


First time I’ve ever really played this series. It may sound a little daunting, with it’s promises of 108 PLAYABLE CHARACTERS TO RECRUIT and etc, but really, almost all of these characters are completely insignificant to the plot and serve only as additions to your castle’s staff. You can bring any one of them into your party to run around and dungeon with, but most of them are kind of useless, and the game loves to stick you with forced party members often, so it’s best to just stick to the same guys that you’ve been building up, because you sure as hell won’t be able to afford to gear them all up. Hell, you won’t even be able to afford to equip a single party’s worth of guys up to maximum gear unless you do some serious grinding. Anyway though, the character collection aspect was kind of fun and the combat wasn’t bad. The plot was pretty bare and generic and felt barely present throughout the game. I hear the next games are better. We’ll see. It was interesting enough that I’ll try the next one…someday…

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