Watchin’ stuff

Is it not even October yet? Well too bad. I can’t wait any more! Need more horror movie intake, STAT!

Death Spa, apparently also known in some places as Witch Bitch, is an awful movie, but it’s that special kind of awful that’s hilarious to watch. This “futuristic” semi-automated health spa seems to be undergoing acts of sabotage that may or may not be the act of an angry ghost. The future tech of the spa is ridiculous and nonsensical and the story is so all over the place and bizarrely paced, and by all rights, it should not be fun to watch at all, but holy shit it’s just so dumb and insane that I can’t look away.

This was the previous (and only) movie by the director of the recent IT remake. You can see little moments of potential here and there, but it’s not surprising at all that no one seems to have heard of this one. There’s a surprisingly good cast and it’s filmed well enough, but the script and the CGI are pretty lacking. This is one of those movies where they show the audience almost immediately that there is unquestionably something supernatural going on, but it takes the idiot main characters most of the movie to figure it out, no matter how many blatant signs there are. The only real thing of interest here is that the Mama creature is very clearly the same model that they refined and reused as the crooked woman creature in IT, but this isn’t something worth watching this whole movie for.

I probably never would have seen this if Mrs. Fotchenstein hadn’t suddenly insisted on seeing the movie that this popular YouTube meme was taken from:

Wow. This is another special one like Death Spa. It’s so very ridiculous and crazy that it’s thoroughly entertaining, despite being so very bad. There are a lot of memorable scenes and it actually has some pretty good over the top synth music. This is definitely a hidden gem of the 80’s horror craze that I’d recommend to anyone that likes this kind of junk. Luckily you don’t need to see the first one to understand this one either, because that one was just embarrassingly bad.

Saw this a while back on Netflix and had mixed feelings about it, but thought I’d try it again since a new sequel just came out, which I was told (falsely!) was good. It’s one of those found footage/fake documentary movies, which I don’t usually like, but this one was somewhat interesting as it involved touring the country in search of the most extreme haunted house. Seeing all the different haunted houses was interesting and the characters being increasingly followed and harassed by mysterious masked people was compelling when it seemed to *SPOILERS* be something supernatural, but then it turns out that it’s all just something very ordinary going on, which isn’t explained at all, and the motivations of the baddies and plausibility of their actions all kind of fall apart once you realize they were just normal people all along. The ending kind of soured it for me, but since it was decent up until that point I figured I’d give the sequel a chance, hoping that it would make sense of it all.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t. This one actually makes even less sense than the first one and features a lot of confusing and completely unrealistic acts by the mysterious baddies, as well as dropping a lot of the haunted house content of the first one in favor of strange things like zombie runs and zombie eating contests. Most of the time you just feel like you’re watching someone’s travel videos, with little to no story behind any of it, until near the end when of course they do the exact same stupid things they did in the last one and seem to find themselves in trouble again. This one doesn’t even bother to try to pretend that there’s anything supernatural going on. We’re clearly shown that these guys in masks are following them around in a car, and then later, strangely following them in a helicopter, and then even more strangely, physically dangling from the bottom of their vehicle. Why would they be doing that when they’ve got the vehicle bugged and are tracking them with cars and helicopters already? Why is a secret underground haunted house club that is so extreme that they have to change to a different secret location every year spending what would have to be huge amounts of money to be employing dozens of people to travel across the country following small groups of people in helicopters and such all so they can get more mainstream recognition so they can provide this same unfeasible experience for everyone all the time at what must be a huge monetary loss to them? None of it really makes sense. Oh well.

Now I have to turn to an old classic to cleanse my palate. SLUGS! A sadly overlooked classic from the 80’s. This is yet another so-bad-it’s-good one. It kind of feels like a made-for-tv movie, except it has some surprisingly grisly death scenes for being a low budget movie about killer slugs. Pretty good gore effects for a low budget movie of its time. A pleasure that I should probably feel guilty for, but don’t, because I love this shit. Again, check this one out if you’re into ridiculous 80’s horror and more impossibly deadly animals!

One thought on “Watchin’ stuff

  1. Man, I am just… NOT a horror guy. That being said, all these titles are amazing. I would live in a house October built (that title puts me in mind of a Neil Gaiman short story “October in the Chair”

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