Wild World of Warcraft IV

Next in the Wild World of Warcraft was…

Temple of Atal’Hakkar (also known as Sunken Temple and more rarely, Lost Temple) is a shrine erected by the Atal’ai trolls, led by their master Jammal’an the Prophet, to the nefarious Blood God — Hakkar the Soulflayer. Believing that this was the intended site for Hakkar’s reentry into Azeroth, the great Dragon Aspect, Ysera, and her green dragonflight sunk the temple into the depths of the Swamp of Sorrows…but the dragons did not realize that it was the wrong location until it was too late.”

A rare creature hanging out at the Sunken Temple entrance

Yet another troll cult place with a temple theme. There sure are a lot of these. The difference with this one is the addition of a lot of dragonkin and lesser dragon type enemies.

Dragons dragons everywhere

The temple is divided into 3 kind of ring sections, each of which has various paths leading up and down throughout them, and sort of a different theme for each one. The bottom is a little submerged (this being the sunken temple and all), and kind of resembles a sewer, with a lot of muck monsters, slimes, and other such filthy beasts.

“Secret” sewer boss!

Down here there’s a bit of a hidden boss that requires you to inspect an altar, which makes 6 crystals above you flash in a certain order, so of course you then have to go up there and fight your way to each one and activate them all in that same order to make this jerk boss appear.

Getting turned into a monster by the troll prophet boss

The middle is full of trolls. There are 6 troll mini-boss type guys spread around the ring, which I needed to kill all of for a paladin quest (but we would have killed them anyway), all leading to that troll prophet from the description. This section was pretty straightforward and relatively easy to deal with.

Morphaz, who needed to die so Mrs. Fotchenstein could get a nice new priest class quest ring

The top section is where all the real fun starts, with little baby dragons, partly humanoid dragonkin, and some big drakes and lesser dragons to fight, and there are a shitload of them scattered all over the place. It would be easy to get overrun if you weren’t careful here.

Not even a REAL dragon!

It all leads up to a final boss fight against the closest they’ll let you get to fighting a real dragon at this point, the Shade of Eranikus. He’s just a ghost of a relatively small dragon, but he’s still the biggest one we’ve fought so far. It’ll be a while still before we’re cool enough to fight “real” dragons. In fact, they’re so big they usually require raids of 20-40 or more people to kill, so that will be interesting someday…

Anyway, before moving on to the next place we became a bit sidetracked by the Lunar Festival.

Partyyyyy down!

Despite all the fanfare there isn’t much to be done for this special event. You can track down some elders spread around the world to get some special coins that can be traded for some fireworks or goofy cosmetic items, but that didn’t seem all that exciting. There is one special thing about this festival though, you can get a quest to summon Omen, a world-level boss with 5.5 million HP.

It’s fine

Guys like this are meant to be taken on by groups of 20-40 people and we only have 2. Well, luckily we have the option of altering the stats of fellows like this. World/raid bosses in our world are set at 1% of their normal stats, which still left this guy with around 55,000 health. It took a while to whittle him down, but apparently he was quite defeatable in this state.

A lot of work for a bag of fireworks

There’s no real worthwhile reward for doing this, we just wanted to fight this guy just for fun, and we’ll be tracking down more world bosses in the future for the same reason.

The next stop on the tour was Blackrock Depths, a place so huge that it’s going to need a whole post of its own, so until then…

Top 12 Pantha Pics (because I couldn’t narrow it down to 10)

Did you think I was joking? Here we go! I’m not even going to try to put these in order of preference either, I can’t choose, instead it’s chronological order.

Also, my premium plan expired today, like I had mentioned before, and this totally messed up my font and color scheme to the point where things suddenly looked really generic, so…surprise new look!

#12 Pantha’s first night home. We went to look at kittens and I saw her sleeping with her tongue hanging out like this like a cute little idiot and I knew she was the one.

#11 I guess she took a liking to me pretty quickly too, because she immediately found her new favorite seat, right on top of me, and has never stopped trying to sit there every chance she gets, even though she’s a bit big for it now. I can’t say no to that stupid cute face though.

#10 Pantha’s first Halloween. Our previous cat would not tolerate costumes at all, but Pantha took this surprisingly well.

#9 Falling asleep in a homemade box bed by the fireplace. You’d think she’d get too hot with all that fur, but she loves stretching out in front of a fire and getting all toasty.

#8 Looking like a scared maniac for no particular reason.

#7 Looking retarded for no particular reason.

#6 Looking majestic for no particular reason.

#5 Caught in the act with the most guilty face I’ve ever seen.

#4 Ignoring a brand new bed so she can use the new racetrack toy as a bed instead, because of course.

#3 Being my gaming co-pilot.

#2 Sitting in the most uncomfortable, spine-shattering position, as they so love to do for some reason.

#1 Stalking some ice cream. I don’t know what it is with her and ice cream and shakes. She doesn’t get this excited for milk, but any ice cream based thing she’ll immediately run up to and stare at like she’s hypnotized, waiting for you to leave it unguarded for just one second. She was mad this time because that was some espresso ice cream so she wasn’t allowed to have even a little taste.

Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed this look into the wild world of Pantha. Who knows, maybe I’ll do another dozen someday.

Watchin’ Stuff

Another excellent crime drama by the writer of Sicario and Wind River. Kinda funny, because I was just in the same area of Texas on holiday break and we drove by a lot of places that looked like the ones seen here. Anyway, once again, great story and dialogue. Top notch drama that, much like Wind River, doesn’t rely entirely on violence, but does have a few very intense firefight moments. Thanks to Red Metal for the recommendation.

Oh, the tricky nature of early IMDB reviews. This had a much higher score at the time I grabbed it (a 6 something, which is relatively high for a horror movie), but is now down to a 3.8 already. It actually started off decently, with some semi-amusing dialogue and acting from the family before they start being menaced. It all falls apart once the menacing starts though, as it quickly turns into a bad knockoff of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Terrible acting from the villains, weak effects, and some bafflingly bad representations of real world physics with things like a guys hands exploding when he touches an electrified fence or when one of the bad guys snipes someone across a field with a shotgun. Another DNF!

I remember watching this as a kid and finding it pretty disappointing, so I’m not sure why I thought it would be worth watching again now. I guess I thought it would be good for a few laughs, but it’s just too terrible to enjoy. The story has a lot of potential, with a young outcast stumbling onto an alien weapon that ends up slowly taking over his mind and turning him into a murderous mutated killer, but the execution is just awful and the characters are all so miserably unlikable. Waste of time.

This one was directed by the writer of Sicario and Wind River, but not written by him. It’s a bit of a Saw knockoff and it’s not exactly terrible, but the plot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you stop to think about it. A bunch of strangers are drugged, kidnapped, and locked in a building where they’re told that they have to torture each other enough to fill the vials attached to their necks with valuable “brain fluids” within 24 hours if they want to be released. If the bad guys are just after the brain fluids in order to make money off them, this doesn’t really seem like the most effective method to get it. I guess the idea is to save money on labor, but all the effort it would take to set up and maintain this prison doesn’t seem like it would be much cheaper. At one point a lady brings up the point that these same chemicals are released in the brain during sex, but they all instantly reject the idea, even though there are a few couples there already, and jump right into torturing each other instead. Kinda silly.

This is a 90’s “classic”. Rutger Hauer has to catch a mysterious occult serial killer in the distant dystopian future of London, circa 2008. Ooh the far off future of 2008, where everything looks basically the same as the 90’s, just darker and dirtier and all the cars have cage windows! Anyway, the killer appears to be something more than human, and so gives Rutger and friends quite some trouble. He gets a comedic British sidekick and has Kim Catrall as his girlfriend, who has about the most pathetic British accent I’ve ever heard. It’s all very 90’s over the top and is more than a little ridiculous, but it’s an enjoyable enough movie for being basically a cheaper version of I Come In Peace. They never really bother to explain exactly what the creature is either. They hint that it was probably some kind of demon, but never actually confirm anything. Oh well.

I don’t know what it is about these Saw movies, but I could watch these things forever. Yeah they’re silly and it’s essentially just the same movie over and over again, but I just like all the inventive traps and plot twists. This one’s no different, despite the new name. It’s really just Saw 8, and feels just like the last 6 movies, but like I said, that’s fine by me. This one seems to pave the way for another pile of future sequels and I’m all for it. The creators of this series have this down to science by now, with great effects, great trap design, and a well written plot that keeps you guessing and feels fresh despite it following basically the same core formula as all the others. Good times.

This was…unusual. It’s not a particularly strange movie, it’s just strange in the sense that it’s such a non-traditional horror. In fact, it’s kind of misleading to call it a horror movie. It’s like a mainstream horror comedy chick flick. Really it’s just Groundhog Day with a light horror theme and a bunch of horribly unpleasant college girl film stereotypes. The horror aspect quickly takes a backseat to the main characters realization that she’s a horrible bitch and that she should probably try to use this opportunity to grow up and be a better person, which of course is going to be the ultimate solution to her predicament.

This all plays out exactly as predictably as you’d expect. Before she even gets killed and experiences the day resetting for the first time, all the stupid little things she’s going to end up fixing or using as proof of her situation or using to her advantage later are telegraphed so very hard and sloppily. You can see every little plot point coming 5 miles away, including the identity of the killer, but LOLZ THEY MADE A JOKEY REFERENCE TO GROUNDHOG DAY IN THE LAST MINUTE OF THE MOVIE SO IT’S NOT A RIPOFF, IT’S AN HOMAGE! Get the fuck outta here. Who wrote this thing? Scott Lobdell? Well, that makes a lot of sense.

Oh, and there’s also a scene where the killer comes after the girl at a frat party and finds her with a guy in a bedroom, kills the guy and jumps on her and they fall on the bed, and then some frat bro comes to the door and pokes his head in for some reason and the girl is screaming directly at him for help for a long, drawn out several seconds, and he sees this and he says “alright, bro!” or something and then leaves, with the implication being that he thinks “oh, it’s just a frat rape. Cool!”. FUCK YEAH! COOL FRAT RAPE JOKE, BRAH!

This didn’t look particularly interesting to me when it came out, but I figured I’d give it a chance since I’ve been watching all these other Blumhouse horror movies lately. It has an interesting premise, with the main character taking on demonic entities with the power of science instead of with religiously-backed exorcisms. He uses a strange method that allows him to enter the minds of the possessed to forcibly evict the malevolent presence from them, so it’s kind of The Exorcist meets Inception, at least in theory.

Unfortunately they show no imagination whatsoever when it comes to these mental realms. You’d think this would be an opportunity to show off some crazy mental landscapes and extravagant looking demons, but instead the mental realms just look exactly the same as real life. The only thing that’s different is the appearance of the main character. You’d think that these mental exorcisms would be more complicated too, and involve some big escape sequences or at least some kind of clever outwitting of the demons, but no, all the guy does is punch people out and run away. They’re in a mental realm where anything should be possible, and he wins by punching the mental representations of demons in the face. And you know what the demons look like when revealed? They look just like normal people, except their eyes turn black. It’s all just so lazy and generic. What a waste of potential.

A crime drama series by David Fincher and friends. Mindhunter takes place in the 70’s and deals with a pair of FBI agents’ research into the relatively new concept of serial killers. It’s not very visually graphic, but it does deal with some pretty dark subject matter. It’s extremely well written and acted though. Don’t expect this to be like Seven or anything, it’s more slow and methodical, and doesn’t play out in a flashy cinematic way. It’s more like if you took a procedural crime drama and made it much more realistic and R rated. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone interested in crime and/or psychology.

Don’t tell me how it ends though, we haven’t quite finished it yet!

Chipping Away At Horizon – Zero Dawn

Finally got around to starting Horizon – Zero Dawn! To put it simply, this game is modern Tomb Raider mashed together with Mass Effect. Honestly, the majority of the gameplay is incredibly derivative, but…that’s not always a bad thing.

Running around at night

While a lot of the gameplay mechanics are ripped straight out of other games, Horizon sets itself apart mainly through its great enemies and an awesome main character. Aloy faces a constant stream of asshole NPCs who all just can’t help telling her how much she sucks for being an outcast or a Nora or a woman or etc. This has made up most of the story so far, just people being total dicks, but she doesn’t listen to any of them, she just makes them look stupid by outsmarting or outfighting them and gets back to her business of annihilating all the robots in her way.

It’s a decent enough story with a handful of great moments, but it does seem to suffer from the same problem that pretty much all big open-world RPGs have, where the world is so big that the main story ends up being stretched pretty thinly across all the piles of other optional content that keep distracting you if you’re a completist type. There could be more story than I realize though. I may have explored most of the world already, but I still haven’t actually touched much of the main quest (the two main quests I have right now say level 12 and 19 and I’m almost level 40…oops!).

Hiding while I pit 2 tough enemies against each other like a jerk

Luckily, much like the other games it resembles, the gameplay is just so much damn fun that I don’t much mind the thin story. I think the enemies really take center stage here, as their variety and complexity really makes you feel like a hunter instead of just an invincible god-being that can easily headshot everything in sight.

See, the robosaurs can’t simply be mindlessly blasted away (well, maybe the wuss horse ones in the beginning can), you need to approach them carefully, scan them and study their weaknesses, and carefully strike their weak spots and use the right weapons to do so. The further you get, the more complex and deadly the enemies get, and this makes being careful and smart about your attacks even more important.

Sneaking past as 3 groups of robots fight each other for some reason

You can be extra tricky by trying to sneak up and do stealth attacks, but it isn’t long at all before the enemies become too tough to be killed this way. You can also stir up trouble by sneaking up and hacking enemies (if you can increase that skill enough) or sniping guys with corruption arrows, but you won’t get experience for kills accomplished by enemies or any other NPCs.

Naturally, things don’t always go as planned though, and so you’ll find yourself in some furious firefights, surrounded by deadly machines without any fancy quick-firing guns to blast your way out with. You’ll need some quick reflexes to get out of those situations alive.

And then just when you think you’ve finally become overpowered and capable of handling anything, you finally make your way into the second half of the land where you find yourself surrounded by hordes of even tougher enemies, including some nasty super-robos.

Oh, the horror and excitement when I entered this new land, saw a mysterious thing flying in the sky, shot an arrow at it, and found a 20 foot super-robo-bird descending upon me, shooting lightning all over the place. He beat the shit out of me that first time, but in time I learned how to take even these nasties out (though they’re still not easy).


So yeah, it’s pretty fun stuff. This all occurs in a huge world map, with piles and piles of sidequests and other optional areas like Hunting Grounds, Corrupted Zones, Cauldrons (which are totally not the Vaults from Mass Effect: Andromeda), and etc. There’s just so damn much to do. As of right now I’m still only at about 60% complete after 30-something hours, and I don’t think that percentage probably even includes the Frozen Wilds expansion.

What a beautiful world too. It’s a big, crazy, 4K world with a nice variety of location types ranging from grassy plains, to deserts, to frozen wastelands, to futuristic cyber-caves, and more. Again, I’m still not actually finished with it yet, but I can already tell you that if I’d played this earlier it would probably have made me make a tough choice in regards to the top 5 games of the year. I think this probably would have edged out Evil Within 2.

Maybe I’ll have some more to add on the subject later, as it seems that I’ll probably be working on this for another few weeks still!

Now Playing: Secret Agent (1992)

Sometimes you just need to bust out an old DOS action-platformer! This is another fine classic title by the legendary Apogee games and it’s no coincidence that it all looks more than a little bit similar to the original Duke Nukem. This (as well as the also very similar looking Crystal Caves) were both made by the same designer of the Duke Nukem series, though oddly enough, they both came out after Duke Nukem. I guess they didn’t expect Duke Nukem to take off the way it did!

Anyway, it’s all very similar to Duke Nukem in gameplay too. You need to search through the levels to find a bunch of key items and perform a bunch of key actions in order to open the exit. You’ll need destroy the radar dish and find the dynamite to open the exit door before you can leave, but of course it isn’t going to be that simple. You’ll need to find various colored keys to open locked doors and find a computer disk and a computer to use it on to disable deadly laser fields too.

Unlike Duke Nukem, there’s an overworld screen where you can walk around and pick different levels to go to, though the order makes no difference at all. The biggest difference though is the greater emphasis on platforming over shooting. Secret Agent isn’t quite the action hero Duke was, in fact you even have a limited supply of ammo, forcing you to be a little more careful in your combat encounters.

The levels can be pretty complicated and aside from the enemies there are a lot of traps, some instantly deadly. You also only get 3 hits and 1 life, but you have unlimited continues so it’s not so bad.

While Secret Agent may not have gotten the fame and recognition of Duke Nukem, it still serves as an example of the same fine talent that went into Duke Nukem and so many other memorable Apogee games. It’s a fun little game and still holds up quite well for its age.

Playing this again after all these years really gave me an itch for more old DOS games like this. Stuff like Dangerous Dave, Bio Menace, or Clyde’s Adventure. I’ll have to try to fit some of those in sometime soon…

Night of the Emus!

Haven’t done one of these for a while! Busy times. This is actually two separate short sessions mashed into one. Don’t tell anybody!

One of the ultimate NES classics if you ask me. Wizards & Warriors is a very flawed, early NES game, but it was a valiant effort for its time that ended up being very memorable against all odds.

Movement and combat are both clunky as hell and the level design can be maddeningly convoluted, but there’s just something so compelling about it all. The art’s actually really uneven too, with some enemies and environments looking really cool for their time and others looking weirdly unfinished, like that one spider boss that looks like it was drawn in MS Paint and then someone forgot to animate it so it just moves weirdly around the screen on a dangling web string without ever actually moving.

For the most part it looks pretty good for its time though and has a weirdly compelling look and feel to it all, along with a super catchy soundtrack. There’s a lot of running around getting lost and backtracking to find all the elusive gems and keys you require to proceed too, but at least the game gives you unlimited continues and you lose little to no progress when you die.

And then there was the sequel, whose only noteworthy characteristic is that it had Fabio on the cover for some reason.

I guess they must have spent all the budget for this on Fabio being in all the promo art because this game is fucking awful. Everything about it somehow became worse. Ugly visual design, forgettable music, even worse combat and platforming, and even more convoluted level design. It’s just a mess. I never bothered trying to get very far in it as a kid and I gave up on it even quicker today.

There was a 3rd game and a Game Boy spinoff, but I don’t think I can manage to care enough to try them at this point.

 Capcom made the arcade version of Alien vs. Predator and it’s basically the same as every other Capcom beat-em-up ever made.

They all just follow the same old Final Fight formulayet they never seem to get old (to me anyway). Just a lot of simplistic button-mashing baddie beating with weapons and explosions everywhere and cool enemy and boss designs. You can’t really go wrong with a Capcom beat-em-up, especially when it’s packed full of Aliens and you get to play as a Predator. 

This was always one of my favorites to try to play as a kid, though I could never come anywhere close to beating it. I don’t think I ever even made it past stage 2. Little did I know that I never even had a chance.

Rolling Thunder is a run-and-gun that has a great soundtrack and some really impressive character animations for its time. It seems simple enough, just walk forward and blast away at the bumbling minions that appear before you. The game says there’s only 5 stages so it seems like it should be do-able, but secretly, this is a game that was designed to be absolutely unwinnable. The difficulty increases by a massive amount after the first few stages, especially since you have to redo pretty huge sections of the stages if you die, and you die really easily. That big looking life bar is completely misleading because you actually will die in only 1-2 hits, depending on if you take a melee hit or a bullet. Oh, you also have pretty strict time limits on every stage too. If you aren’t constantly on the move, you won’t make it out in time.

And if you should miraculously make it through all 5 stages? Fuck you, that wasn’t the real ending, time for the second quest! Yep, you not only go back to stage 1, but the difficulty is turned up to an unbelievably high level and the stages have even been altered to be even more difficult. It’s not even just that there are more enemies too, and there are A LOT more, but it becomes clear pretty quickly that these altered levels were specifically designed to be impossible. Look at this shit:

This is NOT a platforming game, so these jumps are much, much harder than they look and of course if those guys touch you you’re immediately dead too. Oh, and if you shoot them? They explode into 4 more slightly smaller copies of themselves. It just goes on and on like that to the point that even with save states and turning invincible mode on in the dip switches, it was still really hard to complete, but damn it, I finally did it after all these years. Maybe I should have just stuck with the console version, but the NES couldn’t come anywhere close to replicating these graphics at the time. Maybe I’ll give it a try someday just to see what it’s like though…

Naturally, my next stop was Rolling Thunder 2. I’ve never played either of the sequels. Until recently I thought they only ever game out on Genesis, because I’ve never seen Rolling Thunder 2 in any arcade, but apparently it did exist, and you know what? It makes the first game look like a game for babies…

The sequel does away with the animated look of the previous game and makes everything a great deal more detailed and animated, including the new look of the bad guys who are now some kind of cyborgs I guess. It looks nice for what it is, but I think I actually preferred the look and sound of the original.

Man, this is another completely impossible game too. Again, it starts out seeming all bright and silly, opening on some kind of beach resort with an oddly chirpy soundtrack that sounds like it belongs in a comedy game, but it isn’t long before the game shows you that it means business. You need to have incredibly quick reaction time to survive the hordes of deadly enemies, and you know what? Even then, it still won’t be enough.

I’m disappointed to say that I couldn’t finish the game, though oh did I try. I actually got all the way to the last boss, but I just couldn’t beat him. The final stage is another sadistically difficult level that was clearly designed to be unsurvivable. It’s just a series of absolutely unwinnable fights against huge groups of enemies running, shooting, and throwing grenades at you from both side with no cover in sight and an insulting shortage of ammo supply rooms. You also get no checkpoints at all, so when you die you have to start the entire very long stage over again. Even with hours of trying to save-state-scum my way through, by the time I reached the end, I had no extra ammo and not enough time to possibly chip away at his huge amount of health with my slow emergency back-up gun. The only way to win would be to somehow not use ammo on the way to him so you’d have enough fast bullets left to kill him with in the short time you have left, and it’s just not possible to do so.

Actually, I just looked up some videos online and I guess it is technically possible, but you have to be some kind of crazy video game savant to do so.

Yeah, I’m never going to be able to do that. Guess I should have tried the Genesis version! Maybe next time…

Thus ends another installment of Night of the Emus. It may be a while again before I have time for another one, but oh, it will return…

Watchin’ Stuff

Another Schumacher film, 8mm tries to take on the then-topical subject of snuff films. As a thriller it’s decent enough, though a bit heavy-handed. Cage also does some pretty bad acting, but I guess that’s to be expected, isn’t it?

Recently got it into my head to try some of these modern ghost house movies again after seeing the interesting looking trailer for Insidious 4: Dance of the Keymaster or whatever it’s called. Saw this one back around when it came out because everyone and their mother said it was “the most terrifying horror movie ever”, but then it turned out to be another average haunted house movie, so I’ve pretty much ignored all the sequels and spinoffs and other ghost house movies by the same director.

Trying it again, my opinion hasn’t changed a whole lot. It’s decent, but doesn’t really do much new or memorable for the haunted house genre. Still, I continued on…

I think this one was a good deal better. They got a little more creative with the story, threw some more nice creature effects in, and the atmosphere seemed a lot closer to creepy in general. The nun demon was pretty cool and apparently she’s now got her own spinoff movie coming by the director of The Hallow (one of the best recent horror movies), which I might have to actually go see in the theater this time.

The first spinoff of The Conjuring, which felt about the same as the first Conjuring. It’s another average haunted house movie with a few interesting bits, but it’s pretty slow paced and doesn’t really do anything new or exciting.

But again, I liked the sequel much more. Better story, more characters (the previous movie focused almost entirely on a single person), and a lot more creepy scenes and demon appearances. Good times. There was also a quick cameo by the nun from The Conjuring 2. They’re starting to build a whole little universe around all these nutty demonic entities, and that’s sure fine by me.

Do you know how many Amityville movies there are? This is apparently the NINTH one just since the 2005 remake! That makes for a total of 18 Amityville movies. What the fuck? I was never much of a fan of the series. I didn’t really like the original. Amityville 2: The Possession was pretty good, but then it was just a constant stream of garbage after that until that 2005 remake which was pretty good too. I haven’t touched any of the other straight to video garbage after that because they just look unbelievably bad. It seems that Blumhouse now owns the rights to Amityville though, and they have a sort of decent track record for horror movies. Well…they’ve done about an equal number of good ones and terrible ones, which is sadly a pretty good ratio by modern horror production standards.

Anyway, this one looked like it might be halfway decent for once, but guess what? IT WASN’T! ISN’T THAT SHOCKING? Sigh. It wasn’t terrible, I’ve seen much, much worse, but it’s not something I’d ever bother watching again. Supposedly it was originally rated R and got 13 minutes cut out of it to make a PG-13 rating for more mainstream appeal, because you know, all the kids love completely unpromoted Amityville movies…

Pretty decent comedy/heist movie. Kind of dry, not-laugh-out-loud comedy, but still managed to have a suitably entertaining plot. Not much else to say about it. Suitable if you’re looking for a new comedy.

From the director of the Basket Case movies comes this film that I assumed was from the 90’s, but shockingly turned out to be from 2008. What an awful, awful movie. This director is known for his incredibly twisted and trashy films, but this one takes the cake. A woman talks into the camera and excitedly explains that she has 7 clits and so needs to have sex constantly, but ends up getting so violent during that she usually kills the guy, and also magically has 2 hour long pregnancies each time that make her pop out little mutant babies that she just leaves lying where they popped out.

Really, it’s not all that different from the crazy plots of the Basket Case movies, but where those had a lot of goofy creature effects to gawk at, this just has a woman who can’t act very well talking into the camera a lot and having a lot of really badly acted sex scenes. The production quality is just horrible by relatively modern standards and it all just put me off before the movie could even be bothered to get around to introducing the guy with the mutant super dick for her to fall in love with like the movie’s descriptions say.

Another one from the director of Basket Case, this one’s from the 80’s and seems to have a budget more fitting of its time period. It’s cheap and completely ridiculous, but it still manages to do more with its limited budget than Bad Biology did. This one is the story of a man who finds a strange little creature which begins to inject amazing psychedelic drugs directly into his brain. Unfortunately, the drug is severely addictive and the creature happens to have his own addiction to eating human brains.

It’s not a great movie, but it’s…certainly something to see. Definitely unique and memorable, if a little rough around the edges.

Haven’t seen this one in quite a while. Brainscan is a painfully 90’s horror movie with a sci-fi twist that has a semi-sociopathic Eddie Furlong dealing with a CD-ROM horror game that seems to have come to life and taken over his world through the use of truly nonsensical technology that you could only see in a 90’s movie. It all has a kind of 90’s FMV game feel to it too. I don’t know that anyone who didn’t have a fixation with bad old FMV games could actually appreciate this one. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I like it anyway.

I don’t know why this was lumped in with my pile of crappy old horror movies. I guess because it was directed by Lamberto Bava, but it’s just a cheap action/drama film about a cop-turned-vigilante who carries around his signature weapon of…a futuristic shotgun with a high-tech scope on it. Who puts a scope on a shotgun? Ridiculous. Not that it matters much, because as soon as we’re shown this fancy gun, he puts it away and doesn’t touch it again until almost the end of the movie. Anyway, instead of him gunning down criminals in the city like you’d think, it’s about the guy’s life after he got caught and did time for gunning down a criminal, and how he tries to go live a quiet life afterwards in a backwoods country town, but ends up getting into a war with a bunch of hick locals over their questionable deer hunting tactics. Then his long lost daughter shows up and then gets raped and killed by the hicks, because of course she does. I guess in the end this is just another one of those “exploitation” films and I’ve never seen one of those that I’ve liked. This one’s no different. It’s not funny-bad, it’s just bad-bad.

Well, that does it for this time, and hey, I made it all the way through the B’s in my big pile of recent horror crap! Only 24 more letters worth to go…

Until next time…