Watchin’ Stuff

Carrying on with the C’s of the great pile of horror garbage, we arrive at Clownhouse. This is a movie about some escaped mental patients who decide to go on a killing spree dressed as clowns and end up terrorizing a house full of unattended children. Naturally, they spend approximately 70% of the movie just building up to this, with very little actually happening. You come to expect this kind of thing in horror movies about elaborate monsters that are more complicated than the budget allows for, but when the movie is just about 3 guys in shitty clown costumes it feels offensively lazy. Waste of time.

Creatures From The Abyss, a.k.a. Plankton, is one of those special gems that makes all the crap-digging worthwhile. This is one of the greatest bad movies I’ve ever seen. This is the story of a group of teens (who appear to be in their 30’s) that get lost at sea and happen upon a mysterious abandoned yacht. They board the yacht and find that it’s a nonsensical mix of a scientific research lab and some kind of ostentatious 70’s-looking bachelor pad.

Naturally, things go horribly wrong when they discover the deadly reason for the boat’s emptiness, a bunch of angry prehistoric flying fish. Things get even weirder as the real cause of the trouble turns out to be the radiation-contaminated plankton that these fish ate, which has given them some…very unusual abilities. It’s all so more more weird and terrible than I can even express in mere words. Let me just leave you with an actual bit of conversation from the film:

  • Mike (the main character): “Professor, how long have you been fucking fish?”
  • Scientist (who is sick and dying, and barely able to speak): “They…they were old enough!”
  • Mike: “I understand. These things happen.”

An absolutely insane abomination of a movie. I love it.

A pretty decent 90’s thriller. Malice appears to be a movie about Alec Baldwin being a narcissistic maniac of a doctor, but turns out to be something else entirely. It does a good job of being a pretty unpredictable mystery if you don’t already know what’s really going on here.

This movie didn’t sound at all interesting to me when it came out, a woman is trapped on a rock off-shore and menaced by a shark, and that’s the whole movie. Sounds like some serious stretching would be involved to make an entire movie of that situation. I didn’t realize that it was directed by Jaume Collet-Serra though, and I’ve liked most of his previous movies, so I thought I’d give it a try. 

Well, it was pretty much what I originally expected. It’s a very well-shot movie, but that’s about the only nice thing I can say about it. It’s just every predictable thing you imagine would happen in a movie about a situation like this. The characters’ actions and continuity of the movie don’t always make a lot of sense.

Another character who was eaten by the shark, has their body comically ripped exactly in half out in the water, and then the top half of him swims back up to the shore before he dies, and the bottom half of him somehow floats up right next to him to really hammer the visual effect home. Later in the day when more people show up to get in the water and get killed, the previous guy’s body has magically disappeared.

Near the end, the trapped woman suddenly decides to risk her life to swim over to another rock so she can retrieve a GoPro camera that was left behind from one of the other shark victims. Why? I don’t really know. She stops to record a very long message that I guess she’s expecting someone to see so they can come save her, even though the movie has just told us that high tide is coming in exactly 2 minutes so the rock she’s surviving on is about to disappear under the water so there’s no way that this could possibly be of any help to her, except…it magically is, when the camera just happens to wash up on shore within a few hours on the same day, right where a person just happens to appear on this typically isolated and empty stretch of beach, and its used to magically find and save the woman! Hooray! What a load of contrived shit. Waste of time!

I’m surprised I’ve never heard anything about this one. I guess it’s a bit unexpected, a serious bio-drama from the director of Tron Legacy and Oblivion? It’s not what I thought it would be either. This is not the Backdraft-y fireman action drama I assumed it was. There’s almost no firefighting action going on here. No, this is strictly a character drama, but it’s actually quite a good one. Great cast, great acting, great dialogue, it all held my attention remarkably well for being 2.5 hours that was almost all just dudes talking to each other. The ending also does the splits and punches your feelings right in the dick. That’s all I’ll say about that.

The Crimes of the Black Cat is described by IMDB as “A blind pianist tries to figure out who is responsible for a string of murders using a black cat with its claws dipped in curare”. Holy shit how can you go wrong with a premise like that? Ehhhhh…pretty easily, apparently. Most of the movie is spent building up to the grand revelation that cats are being used in these mysterious murders, something the description, and even the title and cover of the movie, have already made clear before the movie’s even begun. The plot is uneven, the characters are mostly boring or unpleasant, and everything and everyone is so garish looking. It just doesn’t work as a giallo for me. What a waste of a great premise.

Wait a minute…I already saw this! Or at least tried to. I didn’t make it through the whole thing the last time, and quit even sooner this time. A poor excuse for an 80’s slasher. I won’t forget this time…

This is so far beyond the fine line between amusing garbage and painfully bad garbage…I’m pretty sure this was literally filmed on an old VHS camera by some kids at home. You can actually see when they stop and start the tape again between scene changes. Sometimes it doesn’t even line up and a scene starts mid-sentence. Just unbelievably awful garbage that makes student films look good.

Another snoozer. This was apparently a TV movie and it shows. It’s all very PG. Stereotypical 80’s undead revenge slasher, except without any of the graphic violence, creature effects, or amusing characters that make such movies work. Another waste of time. Oh well.

Not a lot of luck in the horror pile this time around, but you know, it’s all still worth it to find those few rare gems like Creatures of the Abyss! Seeya next time! 

4 comments on “Watchin’ Stuff

  1. raistlin0903 says: these sound like a couple of really crappy films of the horror pile (but glad you enjoyed the Creatures of the Abyss though…always nice to discover something that’s so bad that it becomes good 😂😂😂).
    Only the brave gathered a lot of positive buzz around it, really looking forward to seeing that one 😊 Malice was quite all right too..really enjoyed that one 😊😊

  2. Red Metal says:

    I saw Only the Brave in theaters. I ended up being taken aback by the ending because though the incident made national news, I wasn’t in the country when it occurred. It wasn’t until I saw this movie that I would learn of the tragedy. It’s a really good film; it’s a shame it didn’t get more publicity.

  3. ignitedmoth says:

    Haha Creatures From the Abyss sounds hilarious!
    I’ll admit, I enjoyed The Shallows, but not in a way that would ever have me telling other people they should watch it. For some reason, bad shark movies are just my go-to guilty pleasure. Hence why I’ve seen Deep Blue Sea more times than any one person should. 😛

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