Watchin’ Stuff

Another Schumacher film, 8mm tries to take on the then-topical subject of snuff films. As a thriller it’s decent enough, though a bit heavy-handed. Cage also does some pretty bad acting, but I guess that’s to be expected, isn’t it?

Recently got it into my head to try some of these modern ghost house movies again after seeing the interesting looking trailer for Insidious 4: Dance of the Keymaster or whatever it’s called. Saw this one back around when it came out because everyone and their mother said it was “the most terrifying horror movie ever”, but then it turned out to be another average haunted house movie, so I’ve pretty much ignored all the sequels and spinoffs and other ghost house movies by the same director.

Trying it again, my opinion hasn’t changed a whole lot. It’s decent, but doesn’t really do much new or memorable for the haunted house genre. Still, I continued on…

I think this one was a good deal better. They got a little more creative with the story, threw some more nice creature effects in, and the atmosphere seemed a lot closer to creepy in general. The nun demon was pretty cool and apparently she’s now got her own spinoff movie coming by the director of The Hallow (one of the best recent horror movies), which I might have to actually go see in the theater this time.

The first spinoff of The Conjuring, which felt about the same as the first Conjuring. It’s another average haunted house movie with a few interesting bits, but it’s pretty slow paced and doesn’t really do anything new or exciting.

But again, I liked the sequel much more. Better story, more characters (the previous movie focused almost entirely on a single person), and a lot more creepy scenes and demon appearances. Good times. There was also a quick cameo by the nun from The Conjuring 2. They’re starting to build a whole little universe around all these nutty demonic entities, and that’s sure fine by me.

Do you know how many Amityville movies there are? This is apparently the NINTH one just since the 2005 remake! That makes for a total of 18 Amityville movies. What the fuck? I was never much of a fan of the series. I didn’t really like the original. Amityville 2: The Possession was pretty good, but then it was just a constant stream of garbage after that until that 2005 remake which was pretty good too. I haven’t touched any of the other straight to video garbage after that because they just look unbelievably bad. It seems that Blumhouse now owns the rights to Amityville though, and they have a sort of decent track record for horror movies. Well…they’ve done about an equal number of good ones and terrible ones, which is sadly a pretty good ratio by modern horror production standards.

Anyway, this one looked like it might be halfway decent for once, but guess what? IT WASN’T! ISN’T THAT SHOCKING? Sigh. It wasn’t terrible, I’ve seen much, much worse, but it’s not something I’d ever bother watching again. Supposedly it was originally rated R and got 13 minutes cut out of it to make a PG-13 rating for more mainstream appeal, because you know, all the kids love completely unpromoted Amityville movies…

Pretty decent comedy/heist movie. Kind of dry, not-laugh-out-loud comedy, but still managed to have a suitably entertaining plot. Not much else to say about it. Suitable if you’re looking for a new comedy.

From the director of the Basket Case movies comes this film that I assumed was from the 90’s, but shockingly turned out to be from 2008. What an awful, awful movie. This director is known for his incredibly twisted and trashy films, but this one takes the cake. A woman talks into the camera and excitedly explains that she has 7 clits and so needs to have sex constantly, but ends up getting so violent during that she usually kills the guy, and also magically has 2 hour long pregnancies each time that make her pop out little mutant babies that she just leaves lying where they popped out.

Really, it’s not all that different from the crazy plots of the Basket Case movies, but where those had a lot of goofy creature effects to gawk at, this just has a woman who can’t act very well talking into the camera a lot and having a lot of really badly acted sex scenes. The production quality is just horrible by relatively modern standards and it all just put me off before the movie could even be bothered to get around to introducing the guy with the mutant super dick for her to fall in love with like the movie’s descriptions say.

Another one from the director of Basket Case, this one’s from the 80’s and seems to have a budget more fitting of its time period. It’s cheap and completely ridiculous, but it still manages to do more with its limited budget than Bad Biology did. This one is the story of a man who finds a strange little creature which begins to inject amazing psychedelic drugs directly into his brain. Unfortunately, the drug is severely addictive and the creature happens to have his own addiction to eating human brains.

It’s not a great movie, but it’s…certainly something to see. Definitely unique and memorable, if a little rough around the edges.

Haven’t seen this one in quite a while. Brainscan is a painfully 90’s horror movie with a sci-fi twist that has a semi-sociopathic Eddie Furlong dealing with a CD-ROM horror game that seems to have come to life and taken over his world through the use of truly nonsensical technology that you could only see in a 90’s movie. It all has a kind of 90’s FMV game feel to it too. I don’t know that anyone who didn’t have a fixation with bad old FMV games could actually appreciate this one. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I like it anyway.

I don’t know why this was lumped in with my pile of crappy old horror movies. I guess because it was directed by Lamberto Bava, but it’s just a cheap action/drama film about a cop-turned-vigilante who carries around his signature weapon of…a futuristic shotgun with a high-tech scope on it. Who puts a scope on a shotgun? Ridiculous. Not that it matters much, because as soon as we’re shown this fancy gun, he puts it away and doesn’t touch it again until almost the end of the movie. Anyway, instead of him gunning down criminals in the city like you’d think, it’s about the guy’s life after he got caught and did time for gunning down a criminal, and how he tries to go live a quiet life afterwards in a backwoods country town, but ends up getting into a war with a bunch of hick locals over their questionable deer hunting tactics. Then his long lost daughter shows up and then gets raped and killed by the hicks, because of course she does. I guess in the end this is just another one of those “exploitation” films and I’ve never seen one of those that I’ve liked. This one’s no different. It’s not funny-bad, it’s just bad-bad.

Well, that does it for this time, and hey, I made it all the way through the B’s in my big pile of recent horror crap! Only 24 more letters worth to go…

Until next time…

Watchin’ Stuff

Well, this was disappointing, though I shouldn’t really be surprised with it having been in production limbo for a decade or so. You can kind of tell that this movie was made back in 2006 or so, but they were never able to quite finish it and eventually just said fuck it, just release it. Bad characters, bad story, lots of promises to reveal the secret of the monster, but zero payoff. The death scenes were oddly bland and tame. It all just screams TV movie. They left it all open for another sequel where I would imagine they would finally answer all the damn questions this brought up, but I doubt anyone cares anymore at this point.

Wife wanted to watch a vampire movie, because she always wants to watch vampire movies, but you know why we don’t always watch vampire movies? Because there aren’t very many of them that are actually worth watching. This one was no different and there’s clearly a very good reason that you never hear about it. Turned it off after 45 minutes of absolutely nothing happening.

Wow, where did this come from? Wind River is a top notch crime thriller that feels almost like something you’d expect from Fincher or Villeneuve, but instead came from a guy whose only other directing credit is some straight to video Saw knock off that I think I tried and failed to watch on Netflix years ago. Great cast, great acting, great writing, great cinematography, this one has it all. It’s a really intense movie and I would highly recommend it to anyone that likes dark, violent thrillers. I have a feeling that we’re all going to be hearing director Taylor Sheridan’s name a lot soon.

What the fuck was this movie? It’s about an evil health clinic that’s testing chemicals on unsuspecting citizens, and these chemicals make them hallucinate and/or explode and/or have other bizarrely disgusting and impossible physical reactions. The movie just jumps around between different barely related characters in a seemingly random fashion and the plot is just all over the place. It often feels more like a stroll through a random freakshow attraction than a coherent story, and I suppose that in some masochistic way it was entertaining at times in that ridiculous way. It kind of reminded me of an early Peter Jackson film. I don’t know that I can say that I liked it, but it was certainly a unique experience. I think I’ll hold on to it just for the novelty.

Body Parts is the baffling tale of a man who receives an arm transplant from a serial killer and then finds that the arm is somehow giving him mental flashes of evil and starting to get a mind of its own. There is no supernatural reason for this, the movie just vaguely suggests that evil is genetic, and so much so that if you get a body part that’s super evil, it will still have super evil in it. The main character meets other people who received other limbs from the same person, who have also been experiencing similar side effects.

Later, it turns out that the serial killer’s head was transplanted onto another body for some reason, and he comes back and starts killing all the limb recipients and taking his limbs back because…I guess he just wants his parts back for some reason and thinks he’s going to get himself put back together? It turns out that the doctor who performed all these operations was behind it and knew that he was still alive and doing this, and was even helping him do it for unfathomable reasons. Her whole thing was that she was doing this all for the science of it and wanted to be able to use this technique to change the world and let everyone get new limbs when needed, so how does helping this serial killer undo all her work so she can put him back together help any of that?

Also, the guys new arm stops being evil when the serial killer finally dies in the end. This movie makes no fucking sense…yet I still kinda liked it. I can’t explain it. It’s so very stupid, but still mildly entertaining somehow.

I guess this is…an erotic thriller/romance? It’s another strange movie from Park Chan-Wook, Korean director of Oldboy and other fine films. As usual with Korean films it’s very strange and unpredictable. It’s hard to talk about the plot much without spoiling the many twists so let’s just say it’s about a girl from a family of thieves and conmen who infiltrates this rich household in order to groom a strange young heiress so that her uncle can marry her and get his hands on her money, but things don’t quite go as planned and nothing is as it seems. It’s a pretty fascinating story if you can handle copious amounts of pretty graphic sex scenes.

A pretty entertaining 80’s slasher. It’s kind of a stereotypical slasher, full of dumb, horny teenagers camping in some strange woods and getting stalked by a mysterious killer for no particular reason. It’s packed full of hilariously bad dialogue and catchy 80’s music, and it’s not the greatest slasher I’ve ever seen, but it embodied the essence of 80’s slasher movies well enough to be suitably entertaining.

Not quite sure how this movie got its title. It’s about a crazy lady who kills her sister and her husband so she can keep their child and raise him as her own, then fast forward 14 years or so and crazy aunt is still crazy and doing everything she can to control her nephew and keep him in her life. Things like killing a TV repair man and claiming that he tried to rape her, but then nephew walks into the scene and accidentally ends up a suspect for the questionable killing, especially when it turns out that the victim was actually gay. Then this shady detective starts investigating the murder, and he turns out to be severely homophobic, to the point where he ignores the evidence his partner digs up about the shady past of the aunt because he becomes so obsessed with taking down anyone he thinks might be gay. So the nephew ends up stuck between his psycho aunt trying to derail his life to keep him dependent and this equally psycho cop constantly accusing him of being gay and trying to pin a murder on him. Strange and kind of unpleasant movie, but surprisingly, compelling enough that I sat through the whole thing to see what would happen. It was really more of a thriller than a horror, but it was alright.

Last, but not least, we went to see The Last Jedi. Well you can firmly place us in the “love it” side of the debate. I won’t go into spoilerific details, I’ll just say that it was packed full of memorable moments, amazing looking battles, and an interesting plot that probably isn’t going to go quite how you think. It wasn’t perfect, the casino planet part was a little underwhelming and they got a little carried away with those hamster penguin things, but for the most part it was another extremely enjoyable entry in the modern Star Wars universe and I’m pretty pleased with the direction they took.

Watchin’ Stuff

Randomly came upon this on Netflix. An Indian horror movie directed by Jennifer Lynch for some reason, all about some bizarrely erotic snake woman who’s seeking revenge because some white guy stole her “lover”, which is just some big normal snake that she fucks apparently. It’s…pretty damn weird. Has some decent effects, but the acting and story are both pretty awful. Interesting to see once, but I don’t know if I’d ever bother doing it again.

Another random Netflix movie. This one is about a very disturbed kid who’s obsessed with vampires and is secretly some kind of vampiric serial killer, but then meets a girl that he comes to like and becomes conflicted about his vamp lifestyle. It’s very bleak and strange and kind of feels like Let The Right One In in reverse or something. Not exactly a horror, but it can certainly be disturbing. I’d recommend it.

More of a soap opera story than a horror movie. Son comes back home to live with rich dad. Him and his new girlfriend plan to kill dad to get the inheritance. They mostly just talk about doing this and don’t do much to actually attempt it, along with more talking and scheming with other secondary characters. Gave up after almost nothing happened for the first hour.

Gave up even quicker on this one. Slow, boring, incredibly shoddy looking in both design and video quality. Ultra snoozefest. Pass.

Seeing a pattern here yet? Yep, I’m almost through the B’s. Unfortunately, I’m not having as much luck with these this week. This is another stinker that’s forgotten by everyone for very good reasons. Slow as hell, horrible acting, no good death scenes in sight. An entirely pointless movie.

This one was alright. It’s another one that was actually pretty terrible, but in a funny way. I’m not sure how much of it was intentional comedy and how much was accidental. One of the main characters talks like he’s doing a constant bad impression of Christopher Walken. I don’t know why, as this takes place in Canada. David Cronenberg also plays a weird gangster character. Anyway, if you like vampires and bad horror comedies, you might be able to enjoy this so-bad-it’s-good movie, but then again…maybe not.

This one wasn’t bad either. Not particularly scary, but it was entertaining. Three kids who are unrelated, but were all born on the same day, all turn out to be evil and start killing anyone that makes them mad. Why? I don’t know, because they were all born on the same day and that caused some astrological phenomenon that made them all evil I guess? That’s the only explanation given and it was very brief and vague. Anyway, there was something amusing about how crafty and brazenly violent these little bastards were.

Oh well, another awful one, but at least this is the last one with blood in the title. Very low budget and confusingly random. A group of “kids”, who all look like they’re about 35, get stranded on an island and stumble upon some abandoned hotel (why is there some hotel on some empty island anyway?). It’s all made up like a New Year’s Eve party and a bunch of WACKY ghostly stuff keeps happening, like…a vacuum cleaner suddenly turns on and moves down the hall by itself and the kids are harassed by…laughing bushes? I don’t know, it all just seems so random and related. They wanted to tell a ghost story but had no idea how to do so and just threw a bunch of random crap together, none of which is even remotely interesting or scary. It’s just baffling and boring.

An interesting movie. Not at all what you’d expect from a war movie. There’s no typical Hollywood heroes journey and oddly enough there’s barely a drop of blood in sight in the whole movie, though it still manages to be pretty bleak and dark most of the time anyway. Absolutely amazing visually and packed full of an impressive level of detail. The story is also a pretty non-standard narrative that doesn’t do any hand holding. It doesn’t give much at all in the way of explanations for the situation or the characters, it just dumps you right in there and lets you observe a few different groups of characters and how they try to survive a massively failed evacuation and its aftermath.

Watchin’ Stuff

An interesting movie about a man who wakes up an amnesiac after a car crash and comes to find that everything that comes within 50 feet of him instantly dies. It does a pretty good job of keeping this seemingly limited premise interesting throughout the whole movie, with some interesting twists along the way. It’s no Blade Runner, but it’s still worth checking out for fans of sci-fi thrillers.

I’m pretty sure that this didn’t actually play in theaters. Not in this country anyway. What a shitfest. Another cheap cash-in attempt on the brief comic-movie craze of the 90’s where everyone was trying to ride the coattails of Tim Burton’s Batman. Red Skull is Italian for some reason. Captain America’s damn mask doesn’t even fit right. Just awful stuff.

Well, it wasn’t as terrible as the 90’s Captain America, I’ll give it that much. Still not a very good movie though. It didn’t feel much like a Punisher movie, really. It’s just a generic Dolph Lungdren movie with the Punisher name slapped on it, and not a very good one. Not horrible, but completely forgettable. Oh well.

Strange movie. It’s listed as an action/horror, but despite all the violence, I wouldn’t really call it either of those. It’s really more of a comedy. It’s about a law office building being infected by some semi-rage virus, but it’s really not about the virus. It’s about a disgruntled, recently fired employee who’s trying to fight his way to his former boss at the top of the tower so he can give him a piece of his mind before the quarantine’s lifted in eight hours. The time is important because of a legal precedent that was established regarding the liability of people for their crimes while under the influence of the virus, so he has to hurry and kill his boss while it’s still technically legal. Like I said, strange movie. Enjoyable enough though, if you’re into that kind of violent office struggle business.

(This movie is All The Colors of the Dark, as I just realized this poster doesn’t even have the name of the movie on it for some reason) Mix a giallo with Rosemary’s Baby and any given generic 70’s movie about satanic cults and you’d get this movie, which is not even slightly like the poster suggests. It’s mainly just about this woman who’s being stalked by some weird guy that she has dreams about where he kills her. She agonizes about this for a long time and gets freaked out by him randomly popping up all over the place, until she meets a new friend who suggests that she should stop seeking help from psychiatrists and such and…attend a black mass. What a great idea! Naturally, she agrees to do it, with very little need for convincing, and quickly finds herself being forced to drink dog blood and getting gang raped. Great. That’s more than enough of that. I’ll have to live without knowing how it turns out, though I’m sure I can make a pretty good guess.

This series seems to be regarded as a cult classic, but I sure can’t tell why from this original film. This is a fucking awful movie. Terrible characters, terrible actors, terrible effects. It’s not scary, it’s not funny, I don’t know how anyone could like this movie. It’s a miserable, ugly mess. Maybe they like the sequels? I hear those got bigger budgets and are allegedly better. Ugh. Guess I might as well try one.

Surprisingly, the sequel actually was better. It’s still pretty awful, but it managed to climb a few steps from completely irredeemably awful to kinda funny awful. The budget clearly got a bit bigger and they spent it all on the effects of a whole house full of bizarre new freaks. It’s almost like a comedic, poor man’s version of Nightbreed.

The 3rd one picks up directly where the 2nd one left off, and continues the story with the same tone and most of the same cast. Again, this is another objectively terrible movie, but there was something strangely compelling about how utterly ridiculous it all was. I’m not sure what I would even compare these to. I guess Dead Alive is the closest in tone. Just completely terrible and insane, but somehow a charming aberration.

Beowulf answers the question “what if the story of Beowulf happened in some weird half-assed medieval steampunk future where Christopher Lambert was a Beowulf who carries around a bunch of weird Bloodborne-type trick weapons, Grendel is some weird ghost/monster who has to be covered with a weird cgi purple fog almost constantly so you can’t see how shitty his costume is, the music is all weird 90’s industrial bands, and the director was clearly lazily trying to replicate the style of Mortal Kombat the movie for some reason?”.

It’s…not a good movie. The production value is amazingly bad considering the 1999 release date. Terrible sets, terrible effects, terrible costumes, terrible quick cut action with a guy who is clearly not Lambert doing a bunch of fancy air flips. If you have some kind of morbid fascination with crappy old Christopher Lambert movies (and maybe I do just a little…) you might find it slightly entertaining, in a fascinating train wreck kind of way, but otherwise you should really avoid it.

This is another Italian Rosemary’s Baby, but also an Italian Exorcist. Much like the previous Italian Rosemary’s Baby, it’s also terribly slow-paced and boring. It was almost interesting for a few minutes when the protagonist family is introduced and you meet the complete asshole father and the strange, foul-mouthed children, all of which are so unusual that it’s briefly entertaining, but that quickly fades and it just slides right into snoozefest territory. Bleh.

In typical Italian horror fashion, there were actually 3 of these movies, and each one was by a different director and had no relation at all to any of the other films. The 2nd one was by Mario Bava, who I’ve learned I’m not a fan of, so I skipped it and went straight to the 3rd, which sounded like it might be more my style. Well, it gets a little closer at least. This is more of a typical 80’s Italian horror, with a lot of strange characters, synth music, and imaginatively gruesome deaths. Even by those standards though, it doesn’t really stand out that much from other similar movies. The plot is goofy and near-incomprehensible, as are some of the characters’ actions. It’s also all about a mysterious Satanic cult and most of the movie takes place aboard some kind of possessed, evil train, I guess? I’m not even sure what exactly the deal with that train was. Even with the whole train thing, it doesn’t do anything particularly memorable. It’s pretty average overall, at least by the standards of bad Italian 80’s horror. I wouldn’t really recommend it, but I think I’ll hang on to it just the same.

A decent, but pretty predictable fireman drama/thriller that still holds up relatively well. Not much else to say about this one way or the other!

A very fun action-adventure movie. Much like the first movie, it plays out like some kind of crazy R-rated extended episode of James Bond Jr. (anyone else even remember that show?), full of cartoonish characters and violence that feel like they shouldn’t work, but it’s all done so well that it’s all quite entertaining. Matthew Vaughn has truly become a better Mark Millar than Mark Millar is these days, if you know what I mean.

What a waste of time and talent this was. Pacino just kind of sleepwalks his way through this, Karl Urban does a decent job, but can’t really carry this mess all on his own, and everyone else around them is pretty disappointing. I can’t blame any of them either, because this is a pretty badly written movie. Hangman is trying hard to be the new Seven, but it’s just a constant string of missed opportunities. The killer’s shtick is that he hangs his victims and carves letters into their chests in order to slowly spell out a word. His methods aren’t interesting in any way. His motives, when they’re finally revealed, are so simple and boring that they don’t feel at all genuine. The way the cops go about trying to track him down is just baffling. No one in the entire fucking movie ever even suggests the idea that maybe they should try to figure out what the fucking word is that the killer’s spelling. I suppose that was for the best though, as the revealed word turns out to be something that has no meaning or significance to anyone except the killer, and serves only to make his motives even more confusing. Not worth watching at all.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is back, and is now suddenly in space and in the future, because sure, why the hell not. Things seem to be off to a good start so far though, and I’m confident that this will be another enjoyable season full of surprises and comic book craziness.

Vikings has also returned. I have to admit, it feels like it’s missing something with Travis Fimmel no longer around. Ragnar’s various sons were able to maintain the show’s momentum even without him for the rest of the previous season, but will they be able to keep carrying this show on their own when more and more of the original cast seems to keep disappearing? Guess we’ll see…

Watchin’ Stuff

What a great cover! So naturally it’s a disappointing snoozefest. Fulci actually plays himself in this, in a weird story where he’s starting to lose his mind after directing all those nasty horror movies and his psychiatrist uses it as an opportunity to go on a killing spree and try to pin it on his patient. Wait, wasn’t that the plot of Night Breed (and many others)? While the movie Nightbreed actually came out the same year as this, the book came out a few years earlier. Tsk tsk. It doesn’t actually share any similarities beyond that though. It’s just a kind of boring slasher movie that’s apparently supposed to be a satire, but there isn’t a laugh in sight. Certainly not Fulci’s finest moment.

This Fulci film was much better. It’s kind of a cross between Carrie, Suspiria, and Patrick. An unpopular girl gets tricked Carrie-style, but then ends up getting knocked into a coma in the course of the prank, and then starts possessing another girl and causing strange things to happen to her tormentors with her mysterious coma-witch powers. It’s everything Cat in the Brain wasn’t, with cool over-the-top synth music and a lot of bizarrely memorable death scenes. Great stuff.

Another strange giallo movie. Pretty standard giallo stuff, with bizarre, compelling characters wrapped up in a murder mystery full of crazy twists and turns. Not amazing, but strange and interesting enough to be decently enjoyable.

This is a classic that I’ve seen quite a few times already. Sexy energy vampire from space invades London and causes an epidemic of weird life-sucking zombies. A must-see 80’s sci-fi/horror that was written by the late, great Dan O’Bannon and directed by the also late and great Tobe Hooper.

An interesting werewolf movie from the 90’s. A bit goofy, but the effects were pretty good for the time (except for that one awful CG transformation scene). The interesting hook is that the family dog is really kind of the main character here, with everything kind of revolving around him, as he’s the only one who realizes what’s really going on and trying to do something about it. The writing of the human characters is actually a little frustrating. Spoiler alert: the tough lawyer mom who is supposed to be the actual main character ends up becoming unbelievably stupid. She sees news reports about a bunch of people being found savagely killed in the place her brother just moved to her place from, goes in his trailer and finds pictures of girlfriend having been horribly mutilated, and even finds a journal where he flat out says I’M A WEREWOLF AND I’VE BEEN KILLING A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE, but when the police find a mutilated dead body near her house after all that she says “OH. I GUESS MY DOG MUST HAVE DONE IT. BETTER SEND HIM TO THE POUND TO BE PUT DOWN!”. Pretty bad even by conveniently dumb horror movie character standards. Still, the rest was good enough to be enjoyable despite that.

This is one of those ones where I really should have known better. The horrible quality was actually kind of funny at first. It seemed like some college kids just made this on their personal camcorder and they seemed to be having a good time and not taking it too seriously, but the novelty wears off as the story just stops going anywhere at all after the first 20 minutes or so. You can’t be awful AND boring. That just doesn’t work.

This is like a cheap, Italian version of The Exorcist. Oddly enough, it’s by the same director as the infamous Troll 2, but it’s nowhere near that level of awfulness. It’s not great, but it’s not completely terrible. I enjoyed it a bit, but I don’t think I’d go out of my way to recommend it to anyone else.

Hm. Another winner, surprisingly. This is a very strange horror comedy about two brothers who run a popular vegetarian diner, but secretly make all the food out of people, but that’s also a cover for their real goal of creating a patchwork body for a ritual to summon their weird fake Egyptian goddess, Sheetar. One of the brothers is also a wrestling fan and ends up doing an exhibition match against a guy called Jimmy Hitler. Very strange stuff. I got a good laugh out of it though.

And finally, we binge-watched the new Punisher series. It’s sure a very different version of the classic Punisher origin, leaving all the familiar Vietnam War ties behind and pretty much cutting the mob out of the story altogether. It was an excellent show though, one that I’d think would be enjoyable for both fans and newcomers to The Punisher. Extremely violent at times, not that I’m complaining.

Watchin’ Stuff

Am I watching a lot more movies lately or is it just that I’m now writing little entries even for terrible-ass movies that I turn off after 20 minutes, which I didn’t use to bother with? Perhaps a bit of both…

Oh no. I don’t know how this got into the pile. A Troma movie, and it’s not even really a horror movie. The script actually seems kind of interesting, dealing with a Vietnam vet whose post-war life is falling apart in a really ugly way, but every other single aspect of the production is just so painfully bad. Absolutely terrible acting, make-up, music, effects, etc. This is why I generally avoid Troma stuff. They’re a little too far under the bar of awful old movies for me.

An…interesting first entry from the director of the decent The Devil’s Candy. Crazy teenage girl and her father kidnap a guy she likes and they act really crazy and torture him a lot, and…that’s about it. This movie has apparently gotten a lot of praise for the characters, but I didn’t really see what the big deal was about them. The main character and his girlfriend barely even have any lines after the first 15 minutes or so. The subplot of the goofy friend and his prom date just kind of feels like filler. I almost turned it off, but it starts getting even more messed up in the last third of the movie, enough that it kind of salvaged the whole experience.

Speaking of torture…this was a nutty little film about some very dumb college kids getting captured in the jungle by some very angry cannibals. Eli Roth movies sure aren’t for everyone. Sometimes the comic relief bits can feel a bit out of place among such seriously graphic violence, but I don’t know, somehow it kind of works for me. Again, not an amazing movie, but it kept me interested and entertained most of the time.

British horror anthology from the early 70’s. It tries so hard and does a lot of things right, but ultimately it’s just way too tame. This would be tame horror even by network TV standards. That’s about what it felt like actually, like some rejected episodes an old show like Tales From The Darkside or something. Just didn’t do it for me.

Flatliners was clearly trying to be a horror movie, but it was never all that scary. I guess the dead kid that harassed Kiefer Sutherland was slightly creepy, but it was overall more of a sci-fi fantasy kind of thing really. It’s no Lost Boys, but it’s a decent enough old-timey Schumacher movie. Good enough to warrant a modern, luke-warm looking remake, I guess!

Here’s another Schumacher movie that I’ve never even heard of before. Some say it’s one of the worst movies he’s ever done, but I actually liked it. Michael Fassbender is an undead Nazi necromancer who needs blood and isn’t afraid to send zombie horses after you to get it. I can’t help but like that.

Eli Roth’s latest movie, apparently. Eh. Didn’t do much for me. I appreciate the idea of turning the tables and having attractive young women be the menacers instead of the menaced, but something about it just didn’t work for me. I didn’t feel much sympathy for Keanu, since he let these strange people into his house while his family was away and then had sex with him. The whole thing is actually like a long, violent PSA about the dangers of cheating. I didn’t really need a “scary” movie to tell me that. *shrug*

Honestly, this is not a very good movie, but it’s a horror anthology about killer cats (and their victims who deserved it) so it has a certain charm to it. Kind of like an earlier version of Cat’s Eye, but with even more cats. It’s a nice so-bad-it’s-good movie for cat fans at least.

From the previews, this seemed to be the ladies’ answer to John Wick, but I don’t know if that’s quite accurate. It has a good retro score and is extremely impressive visually, but it had some pacing issues and was pretty predictable. The first hour really starts dragging, but then the second hour suddenly picks up into almost non-stop action and intrigue that goes by incredibly quickly. I suppose in the end, I liked more of it than I disliked, but if they decide to do more of these, the sneaky spy conspiracy part of the plot could use a little more work.

When a man’s family is killed and his girlfriend raped, the only thing left for him to do is…build a big monster truck with a giant drill on it and get oddly specific car-related revenge? I don’t know why I bother with things like this. It was bad. OF COURSE it was bad. It was actually a little less terrible than I expected it to be, but still not good. Naturally, the rolling vengeance itself appears very rarely, and doesn’t look all that good when it does. I should have known better, but it just sounded so silly. Oh well.

And finally, just got back from seeing this. Damn good stuff. There are some…surprising developments. That’s all I’ll say about that. Just a thoroughly enjoyable movie without a single boring moment in sight. Little heavier on the comedy than you’d maybe expect from a Thor movie, but somehow it works and doesn’t take away anything from the main serious plot. Good times. Infinity War cannot come fast enough…

Watchin’ Stuff

This one I’ve seen before, a very long time ago. It presents itself as a standard 80’s slasher, but of course there’s a twist to it all. There’s not really very much graphic violence at all for an 80’s slasher, but it does have a decent, familiar 80’s cast and is paced pretty well. Still holds up decently, though it’s not what I’d call a great film.

I don’t know why I even tried this. It’s very rare for a killer animal movie to actually be worthwhile. I guess the fact that it takes place in Chicago swayed me. Anyway, it’s not very good. Not enough actual alligator action. Mostly just the main characters standing around talking about the alligator, and “why won’t anyone believe me about the giant alligator”, and blah blah blah. Time wasting snoozefest.

Why did I try to watch the second one too then? Well, sometimes horror sequels are better than the originals, like with Food of the Gods 2. This isn’t one of those movies though. This was even worse than the first one. Again, just a lot of talking about the alligator and no one believing the existence of the alligator, and with even less alligator appearances this time. Honestly, you could cut the alligator right out of this movie and it wouldn’t even make much difference. It felt like some bad tv drama that someone just decided to toss an alligator into after the fact. I don’t understand why people try to make movies like this if they have no intention of even trying to make it about what they’re presenting it as. “Hey, let’s make a movie about a killer alligator, but then barely have it be about an alligator at all and just put it straight to video! We’ll be rich!”. Awful.

Needed to go back to watching all those Argento movies to wash the bad alligator taste from my mouth. This is another giallo one. This time it’s about a guy who writes slasher novels, who apparently picks up a crazy fan that starts stalking him and reproducing scenes from his book. Naturally, it all takes some crazy twists and turns along the way. I think that’s one of the things I like most about these kinds of movies so far, that they’re so unpredictable. They’re not always entirely unguessable, but they go to great lengths to subtly make you suspect all the wrong people, and the truth ends up being so crazy and convoluted that even if you guess the right person, you still probably won’t guess their motivation. This one does a good job of that too. Very strange stuff with some great surprises.

Ok. Let’s see how many of the NINE Children of the Corn movies I can get through! Man, this movie does not hold up well at all. Interesting concept, but it’s pretty terribly executed. This couple gets lost and ends up in this strange country town where everyone seems to be missing, except for the children, who are acting rather strange. This seems like it could have made for some great tension, except they showed the children killing all the adults in the very first scene, so even though the main characters don’t know what’s going on, the mystery was already spoiled for the audience immediately and so there’s no suspense at all while they slowly plod along, building up to answers that were already given in the beginning.

The effects are so much worse than I remember them being too. I don’t think I’ve seen this since I was a kid and I seem to remember certain parts being much more sinister than they actually were. All I learned from this is that this song totally ripped off the Children of the Corn theme.

Argh. It only gets worse! This is so shitty and boring! How can there be NINE of these movies?!? Who watches all these? Fuck this, I give up already.

Had the strangest urge to see this again. Don’t think I’ve seen it since it came out. As much hate as this movie seems to get, I think it’s actually surprisingly enjoyable still. It’s a very strange movie that doesn’t seem to know who its audience is. It very much resembles a 90’s cartoon and almost seems like it’s aimed at children, except it was R-rated for being packed full of swearing and relatively graphic violence. It was too graphic for kids and too stupid for adults, and so it ended up a failure. Looking back at it now though, it’s really quite amusing. It’s just so very ridiculous and 90’s-feeling, in the very best of ways. It kind of resembles If Looks Could Kill, with a lot of cartoonish spy-movie villain characters and a nonsensical world domination plot. Everything about this movie is just completely ridiculous and insane, and it shouldn’t work at all as a movie. I have no idea how they even got everyone to agree to this thing, but it’s an oddly compelling and laugh-inducing train wreck to watch.

Not to be confused with the video game based Uwe Boll shitfest of the 2000’s, this Alone in the Dark is about some escaped mental patients terrorizing one of their doctors and his family during a blackout. Despite a surprisingly good cast, it’s ultimately just another padded out snoozefest that’s almost all buildup and little to no payoff. At least this one wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t sit through it all, but it wasn’t good enough that I’d ever bother doing so again.

Bell From Hell is some kind of bizarre thriller/”horror” from Spain in the early 70’s. I’m told that it’s about a man who was falsely placed in an insane asylum so his aunt and her three daughters could steal the family inheritance. He then gets out and plans some elaborate revenge that involves learning how to butcher cows and being some kind of home-taught gore-effects artist, I guess. I don’t know. It’s hard to actually discern this from the movie itself. Most of the time nothing really happened. He talked with his relatives a lot and there were some vague threats tossed around on both sides, and not much else.

Then there was this confusing part in the middle where some unrelated young girl runs into a group of hunters in the woods who start antagonizing her and are apparently about to gang-rape her, but then the main character comes out of nowhere on a motorcycle and rescues her, getting wounded in the process. The next scene is him walking into some fancy club with both his arms in giant casts with some elaborate metal braces holding them both up. We then see that the ringleader of the rapey hunters is in there. Main guy sends someone over to rapehunter to tell him to meet him in the bathroom. They meet in the bathroom and rapehunter is like “oh, we were just joking around, you don’t need to tell anyone about what happened, right?”, and so main guy is like “sure! but help me out here, I need to take a piss”. So rapehunter holds his dick while he pisses, then main guy takes off his fake casts and laughs. He tells rapehunter something like “I told her you’d do it!”, rapehunter is confused and asks who, main guy says “ask your wife!”. End of scene. None of this ever comes up again. What the fuck? I’m guessing his plan was to blackmail the guy by telling people he touched his dick in the men’s room? But…everyone saw him go in there with casts, and he asked him to do it, and there’s no proof, and none of this really makes any sense, and what does this even have to do with anything?

That pretty much sums up that movie. Next.

Another giallo by Lamberto Bava. Relatively well-produced, with some imaginative and disturbing death scenes. I don’t know if this one was easier to figure out than the others I’ve seen, or I’m just starting to get used to the twisted thinking of these movies, but I was able to guess the killer much earlier than usual this time. Still, it had an interesting story and kept me entertained the whole time. That’s good enough for me.

Haven’t seen this one in a long time. It still holds up pretty well. Christopher Walken plays an evil angel that has a heavy New York accent because Christopher Walken can’t sound any other way, ever. There’s a good cast overall, and they do a good job of maintaining the momentum of the film considering how blatantly low the budget was for a story of this scope. It’s the most exciting war in heaven, that actually only takes place in abandoned buildings and a hut in the desert, that you’ll ever see.

Also watched The Prophecy and 3, the straight-to-video sequels that still somehow managed to get Walken to sign on even though almost no one else involved would. They’re tolerable for straight-to-video movies, but I wouldn’t recommend that anyone go out of their way to see them like I would the first one (and I’m not even going to talk about the next two sequels).

That’s all for this week. Get used to a steady stream of shitty horror movies over the next year or so, as I continue my quest for lost horror treasures.

Watchin’ Stuff

Another 80’s classic, Night of the Creeps features aliens, killer slugs, zombies, and a story that’s not-so-secretly a social commentary on rapey frat-bros. The dialogue is a little cringey at times, but it still holds up pretty well for the most part. Definitely recommended for anyone into goofy 80’s horror.

Actually watched all 4 Critters movies, but I’m not going to get into great detail about all 4 of them. The original Critters was a pretty solid movie for being one of many Gremlins knock-offs of its time, though the Critters are a little more murderous than the Gremlins. The second one still holds up pretty well too, though it pretty much entirely stops even pretending to be a serious movie. 3 and 4 are actually pretty crappy. I would advise most people to stop at 2 unless you’re really into the series for nostalgic reasons or something.

Wow. I like some really disturbing and depressing movies, but this one takes the cake. Elle immediately opens with the main character being raped and from the description, I was under the impression that the rest of the movie would be a thriller about her trying to discover the identity of the rapist and get revenge on them, but apparently the description is quite misleading. Instead, the movie mostly focuses on the various relationships the main character has with her friends and family, and it turns out she’s actually an extremely unlikable person. She has extremely dysfunctional relationships with her mother, son, and ex-husband. She’s sleeping with her best friend’s husband, and is trying to screw her married neighbor too. SPOILERS INCOMING!

SPOILER TIME: the rapist turns out to be the neighbor she’s trying to fuck, and once she finds out, she…suddenly doesn’t mind so much? I guess she changes her mind and decides that she’s just going to let him come back and keep raping her because she decides she’s into it now? I gave up at this point, but I looked up the ending and apparently she changes her mind again later and convinces her idiot son to kill the guy later. What a miserable bunch of people.

This is a movie from the director of Bone Tomahawk, a decent western/horror from a few years ago. This is supposed to be similarly brutal, but I couldn’t make it far enough to find out. Holy shit is this movie slow and dry. Vince Vaughn’s supposed to be this big tough guy with anger issues, but most of the time he just kind of sleepwalks his way through the scenes. With his sedate performance and the incredibly slow pace, even when the movie finally reached the prison part, it was still dangerously close to putting me to sleep. Maybe there’s some good stuff in there later on, but if I have to sit through 90 minutes of boredom to get to it, it’s not worth it to me.

Amazingly, I’ve never seen this before. Was never really a big Patrick Swayze fan, I guess. This was pretty decent though. Calling it an action movie, as so many people seem to do, is probably a bit misleading. Sure, there are a few fight scenes, but it’s really more of a drama most of the time. Anyway, of course it’s a bit cheesy since it’s the 80’s, but it was pretty enjoyable.

And finally, another great season of Stranger Things. They took a little time to plant some seeds for future stories too, so it looks like this show will be sticking around for a while still. Anyway, it’s basically a 9 hour long 80’s movie of very high quality, much like the first season. Great writing, great characters, great everything really. If you still haven’t seen this show, get out of the damn cave you’re living in and watch it already!

This is about it for Halloween for me already, as I’m not going to have time to celebrate on the actual day since it falls on a weekday. On the plus side, I picked up a large number of terrible “new” horror movies recently. Enough to keep me blabbing for the next year or so, though I’m sure that about 85% of them will end up being complete garbage. OH WELLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Watchin’ Stuff

This wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The trailer was pretty boring and the reviews are pretty terrible, but I thought it was decent. It does kind of have that feeling like if the first and last few minutes were removed or altered, it could have been an entirely different movie with no connection to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but it was alright for what it was. Dark, disturbing, and a pretty generous amount of good quality gore effects. Did this series really need yet another origin/reboot chapter, and is this latest entry going to finally revitalize the brand? Probably not to both, but oh well.

I remember this being on tv a lot when I was a kid, so I thought I’d revisit it. Eh, it’s pretty bad. Not nearly as bad as the ultra-abysmal original Ghoulies, because that’s an extremely low bar to reach, but it’s still a pretty poor 80’s horror movie. The creature design is passable for its time, but the story, characters, and death scenes are all pretty underwhelming. Watching it now, that ending doesn’t really make sense either. I remembered them getting the giant creature at the end to swallow a dummy with a bomb in it to defeat it, but now that I see it again, it was actually a molotov cocktail that just had a cloth fuse sticking clearly out of the eye of the dummy. That was their plan? To just hope that that thing stayed lit, even when a giant demon thing swallows it? And then it makes him explode like it was made of dynamite. It just seems so silly now.

Now the big ape moment that we’ve all been waiting for. What people have been calling the most amazing ape movie ever and one of the best movies of the year. Eh. It was decent, but I actually thought it was the least interesting of the 3 recent apes movies (not including Burton Apes at all in that of course, because that never happened!). Just like the previous two, the characters and effects were great, but this one felt a lot less consistently paced than the first two. The majority of the movie focused on a small handful of characters, who spent most of the time just talking, and don’t get me wrong, the script was still well-written enough for even the slowest parts to be entertaining, but I was a little surprised at just how little war there was in a movie with this name.

You know, it sure strikes me as strange too, that this movie was so highly praised and financially successful, even though it’s so long, dialogue heavy (it even has subtitles half the time!), and action light. Why is it that this met with such mainstream success when everyone seemed to hate Blade Runner 2049 for the same reasons? Beats me.

70’s horror just doesn’t do it for me most of the time, but you never know. There are some occasional gems to be found there. This isn’t one of them. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but just too dated and slow to be entertaining.

Another one that I used to watch a ton when I was a kid. I didn’t expect this to hold up at all either, but it’s actually still pretty funny. It’s absolutely ridiculous and implausible, the kind of goofy-ass nonsense that could only succeed in the 80’s, but somehow it still works more often than it doesn’t. Of course half the fun is also laughing at how terrible it is. It’s terrible in the best way though. Fun times.

Arghhhh. I tried and tried to like this. I’m a huge fan of ABC’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., but this is just awful. The quality of the writing took a huge nosedive in the third episode and I couldn’t make it through the fourth. It’s just so terrible and cliche-packed. It’s like a bad cartoon. I give up. Just bring back Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!

Wait, let me sneak a few more bonus things on here…

Another Netflix Stephen King adaptation. I guess they’re really reaching for un-adapted Stephen King works these days, huh? Thomas Jane and friends put in a good performance and there are some nice effects, but it’s a pretty slow and dreary tale. Man kills wife, man regrets it and goes kind of nutty. Eh. It was ok, but I doubt I’d ever watch it again.

Wow. This is so very bad. Painfully bad script and dialogue. What’s with the pop up text? Was that supposed to be emulating internet memes? Who is this movie for? I feel like this is aimed kids in high school or under, yet it’s rated for ages 17 and up. I guess I just don’t get it. This is just an incredibly unfunny movie with no redeeming qualities to it, except I guess the cinematography was decent enough. Big slow clap for that.

Watchin’ Stuff

It is a difficult quest, to try to find good horror movies that I’ve never seen before, when I’ve already seen so very many of them. You have to dig through a lot of shit to find the ever-shrinking number of rare gems within. Tonight is no different. The Boogens is another one of those boring-ass horror movies where 90% of the movie is spent doing absolutely everything to avoid actually being a horror movie because that shit costs money. It takes an hour for them to even show just the tentacle of one of the creatures on screen. It’s unfortunate, because the actors and the script were relatively decent for a low budget early 80’s horror movie, but they just sit around talking for almost the whole thing because the budget for the creature effects was about $50.

Profundo Rosso, a.k.a. Deep Red, is another crazy giallo film from Dario Argento. This time a musician witnesses a murder and gets caught up in trying to solve the case pretty much all on his own because the police are oddly absent throughout most of the story. This is basically the same plot of his previous movies again, but whatever. This one was particularly weird though. The movie randomly switches between Italian and English on a regular basis. The whole romance/team-up subplot with the main guy and the reporter lady is incredibly strange and laced with out-of-place slapstick comedy moments. The transitions between some scenes lead me to believe that there was some kind of problem with the editing. It feels almost like this movie changed direction multiple times during creation, then was never actually completed, but then they just decided to splice all the parts together anyway and say “eh, close enough”, yet…somehow it kind of works. It’s insane and absolutely ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop watching it.

Pro tip though: there’s a part very early on where the hero sees something important at the crime scene and if you’re paying attention you might notice this thing briefly, but it happens too fast for you to see it clearly…UNLESS you get the bright idea to rewind and pause at the exact right fraction of a second, in which case you’ll end up seeing the identity of the murderer and spoiling it for yourself right away, just like I did! So…don’t do that.

This is presented as a babysitter and a kid being stalked by a killer on Christmas, but this is completely misleading. Spoiler: the home invasion is very quickly revealed to have been staged to make her scared which was supposed to end up making the babysitter fall in love with the kid somehow, but when the stupid scheme doesn’t work, it turns into this awkward kidnap/rape/murder fantasy, which is what the movie is really all about. There’s nothing scary about some horny 12 year old kid. It’s also supposedly a comedy, but there’s nothing funny about it. It was all just very unpleasant to me. Turned it off halfway through.

Another cheap snoozefest. I like how the lady on the cover isn’t even the actress who actually plays the baddie in the movie. That should tell you what kind of shit movie this is. Nothing else even worth mentioning here. Couldn’t finish this one either. Next!

Ah, dammit. I’ve already seen this one and I couldn’t finish it that time either! This is why I need to keep track of these things, because how else can I possibly keep track of all these crap movies. This isn’t even the only movie called Death Ship (they’re both awful)! NEXT!

Why am I doing this to myself? This is absolute garbage. It was a little funny from time to time, but everything about it was just so awful. Horrible acting, absolutely godawful effects…what’s to like? Oh, the shit I watch…

Back to Dario Argento so I could go out on a high note (I hoped). This was Argento‘s second step away from his usual giallo stuff, into the world of weird supernatural horror (Suspiria being the first, but I already watched that again for the dozenth time not that long ago). It’s also the second in the “Three Mothers” trilogy of bizarre witch stories. Much like Suspiria, it’s very cryptic, slow-moving, and strange. The scenery isn’t bad, but it’s not as impressive as Suspiria. It didn’t have the catchy, haunting music of Suspiria going for it either. Very weird and requires a lot of patience, but mostly likable in that crazy Argento way.