Watchin’ Stuff

Another Schumacher film, 8mm tries to take on the then-topical subject of snuff films. As a thriller it’s decent enough, though a bit heavy-handed. Cage also does some pretty bad acting, but I guess that’s to be expected, isn’t it?

Recently got it into my head to try some of these modern ghost house movies again after seeing the interesting looking trailer for Insidious 4: Dance of the Keymaster or whatever it’s called. Saw this one back around when it came out because everyone and their mother said it was “the most terrifying horror movie ever”, but then it turned out to be another average haunted house movie, so I’ve pretty much ignored all the sequels and spinoffs and other ghost house movies by the same director.

Trying it again, my opinion hasn’t changed a whole lot. It’s decent, but doesn’t really do much new or memorable for the haunted house genre. Still, I continued on…

I think this one was a good deal better. They got a little more creative with the story, threw some more nice creature effects in, and the atmosphere seemed a lot closer to creepy in general. The nun demon was pretty cool and apparently she’s now got her own spinoff movie coming by the director of The Hallow (one of the best recent horror movies), which I might have to actually go see in the theater this time.

The first spinoff of The Conjuring, which felt about the same as the first Conjuring. It’s another average haunted house movie with a few interesting bits, but it’s pretty slow paced and doesn’t really do anything new or exciting.

But again, I liked the sequel much more. Better story, more characters (the previous movie focused almost entirely on a single person), and a lot more creepy scenes and demon appearances. Good times. There was also a quick cameo by the nun from The Conjuring 2. They’re starting to build a whole little universe around all these nutty demonic entities, and that’s sure fine by me.

Do you know how many Amityville movies there are? This is apparently the NINTH one just since the 2005 remake! That makes for a total of 18 Amityville movies. What the fuck? I was never much of a fan of the series. I didn’t really like the original. Amityville 2: The Possession was pretty good, but then it was just a constant stream of garbage after that until that 2005 remake which was pretty good too. I haven’t touched any of the other straight to video garbage after that because they just look unbelievably bad. It seems that Blumhouse now owns the rights to Amityville though, and they have a sort of decent track record for horror movies. Well…they’ve done about an equal number of good ones and terrible ones, which is sadly a pretty good ratio by modern horror production standards.

Anyway, this one looked like it might be halfway decent for once, but guess what? IT WASN’T! ISN’T THAT SHOCKING? Sigh. It wasn’t terrible, I’ve seen much, much worse, but it’s not something I’d ever bother watching again. Supposedly it was originally rated R and got 13 minutes cut out of it to make a PG-13 rating for more mainstream appeal, because you know, all the kids love completely unpromoted Amityville movies…

Pretty decent comedy/heist movie. Kind of dry, not-laugh-out-loud comedy, but still managed to have a suitably entertaining plot. Not much else to say about it. Suitable if you’re looking for a new comedy.

From the director of the Basket Case movies comes this film that I assumed was from the 90’s, but shockingly turned out to be from 2008. What an awful, awful movie. This director is known for his incredibly twisted and trashy films, but this one takes the cake. A woman talks into the camera and excitedly explains that she has 7 clits and so needs to have sex constantly, but ends up getting so violent during that she usually kills the guy, and also magically has 2 hour long pregnancies each time that make her pop out little mutant babies that she just leaves lying where they popped out.

Really, it’s not all that different from the crazy plots of the Basket Case movies, but where those had a lot of goofy creature effects to gawk at, this just has a woman who can’t act very well talking into the camera a lot and having a lot of really badly acted sex scenes. The production quality is just horrible by relatively modern standards and it all just put me off before the movie could even be bothered to get around to introducing the guy with the mutant super dick for her to fall in love with like the movie’s descriptions say.

Another one from the director of Basket Case, this one’s from the 80’s and seems to have a budget more fitting of its time period. It’s cheap and completely ridiculous, but it still manages to do more with its limited budget than Bad Biology did. This one is the story of a man who finds a strange little creature which begins to inject amazing psychedelic drugs directly into his brain. Unfortunately, the drug is severely addictive and the creature happens to have his own addiction to eating human brains.

It’s not a great movie, but it’s…certainly something to see. Definitely unique and memorable, if a little rough around the edges.

Haven’t seen this one in quite a while. Brainscan is a painfully 90’s horror movie with a sci-fi twist that has a semi-sociopathic Eddie Furlong dealing with a CD-ROM horror game that seems to have come to life and taken over his world through the use of truly nonsensical technology that you could only see in a 90’s movie. It all has a kind of 90’s FMV game feel to it too. I don’t know that anyone who didn’t have a fixation with bad old FMV games could actually appreciate this one. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I like it anyway.

I don’t know why this was lumped in with my pile of crappy old horror movies. I guess because it was directed by Lamberto Bava, but it’s just a cheap action/drama film about a cop-turned-vigilante who carries around his signature weapon of…a futuristic shotgun with a high-tech scope on it. Who puts a scope on a shotgun? Ridiculous. Not that it matters much, because as soon as we’re shown this fancy gun, he puts it away and doesn’t touch it again until almost the end of the movie. Anyway, instead of him gunning down criminals in the city like you’d think, it’s about the guy’s life after he got caught and did time for gunning down a criminal, and how he tries to go live a quiet life afterwards in a backwoods country town, but ends up getting into a war with a bunch of hick locals over their questionable deer hunting tactics. Then his long lost daughter shows up and then gets raped and killed by the hicks, because of course she does. I guess in the end this is just another one of those “exploitation” films and I’ve never seen one of those that I’ve liked. This one’s no different. It’s not funny-bad, it’s just bad-bad.

Well, that does it for this time, and hey, I made it all the way through the B’s in my big pile of recent horror crap! Only 24 more letters worth to go…

Until next time…