I mentioned Veronica in the latest Watchin’ Stuff already, but now I’m here to subject you to an extremely lengthy analysis of this movie that has been so stuck in my head all week. Needless to say, there will be massive spoilers for the entire movie, so don’t click this one if you haven’t seen it yet (which you really should)!
I don’t get all the hype surrounding this one. Sure, Robert Pattinson plays a convincing criminal scumbag, but that’s about the only nice thing I can say about Good Time. It’s a really grimy crime drama where very little actually happens, it just focuses on how terrible the main character and his friends and family are. I suppose that’s why people like it, because the characters are so convincing in how repulsive they are, but that’s not much of a positive in my book. Terrible pacing, unpleasant characters, and an oddly blaring synthwave soundtrack that doesn’t feel like it matches anything that’s happening on screen. No thanks.
After watching Mother I realized that I hadn’t actually seen the last few Aronofsky movies for some reason. Black Swan is no Mother, but it was a decent thriller with some surreal reality-bending twists, even to someone with absolutely no interest in ballet.
Ah, I should have known. Pretty much anything that has to pad its title with “a much more famous director presents” is going to be shitfest, especially yet another “Wes Craven Presents” horror movie. Just another piece of typical late 90’s straight-to-video trash that was almost entirely filler that was trying to disguise the fact that the budget was about $500.
Well this was a strange one. Cast A Deadly Spell is a detective noir story in a world where everyone uses magic. The intro text is literally just “1948, Los Angeles. Everyone uses magic.”! It seems like something you’d expect to see in an old Vertigo comic, and it’s kind of surprising that they actually made a whole movie of it back in the early 90’s. It’s very ambitious, and while the budget isn’t quite capable of backing up everything they try to do here, and it’s more than a little cheesy, it still managed to be decently entertaining.
Now this is one that actually lives up to all its hype. This is easily Martin McDonagh’s best movie so far. It’s kind of hard to describe the plot. A woman is looking for justice for her raped and murdered daughter and gets into a weirdly complicated conflict with the local police and other townsfolk. It’s part drama, part black comedy, and it has an amazing cast of complex characters. Highly recommended.
This was a surprise. A Netflix horror movie that seemed to appear out of nowhere that’s actually good? Quite good, in fact. The Ritual had a great atmosphere that starts out feeling like a higher quality version of The Blair Witch, but then takes some strange, unexpected turns. Definitely check this one out if you’re a horror fan.
Ugh. Why do they keep making these? Why do I keep watching them? I suppose that it’s technically an improvement, since I couldn’t get through 20 minutes of the last Hellraiser, but it’s still a pretty bad movie overall. It’s a shame, because I get the feeling that the people behind this had good intentions and that they wanted to tell a better Hellraiser story than the last several barely-related sequels, but they just didn’t have the talent to pull it off. It has an interesting core concept, but it’s all just so shoddy, including the standard garbage horror movie move of padding most of the movie with a huge stretch of barely anything happening in the middle because they just didn’t have the budget to do anything more interesting. What a waste.
This seemed like it could be an interesting story, but it just didn’t work for me. I think most of the blame lies in the inexplicable decision to present most of the story as if it was a comedy, despite almost nothing actually being funny. None of the serious situations seem to have any tension because they’re too busy trying to play everything as a joke without actually putting any jokes in. Cruise just kind of fumbles around like Jack Tripper and there are some strange animated transition sequences, all of which seem like they’re supposed to be making you laugh, but just end up draining the tension out of what would otherwise be a pretty serious story. Oh well.
Another movie from the horror crap pile, Cheerleader Camp is painfully 80’s, but in all the wrong ways. It feels more like some bad 80’s teen sex comedy than a horror movie. Not enough focus on the horror and the jokes just aren’t funny in either an intentional or accidental sense.
The latest Scott Adkins film, which is based on the 2000AD comic by Pat Mills of the same name. Pretty standard Scott Adkins movie, kind of mid-range quality, neither amazing or terrible, but with some pretty impressive fight scenes. This one has Adkins playing an assassin who suddenly finds himself up against all the other members of his local assassin’s club in a very John Wick kind of way (though the original comic came out almost 30 years ago). Pretty enjoyable if you’re into that sort of thing.
Awww yeah. It was even better than I expected. I don’t know why, I guess I felt a tinge of doubt because of the less familiar characters and setting. Silly, I know, but the sad truth is that there just aren’t a whole lot of good Black Panther comics out there, so I wasn’t sure how they would go about making something great out of mostly weak source material. They really did it though. They did a great job making this whole new unknown world and its culture strange and interesting, yet not so alien that it wasn’t understandable or relatable.
It was a little deeper, darker, and surprisingly light on comedy compared to most other Marvel movies too. It felt like something refreshingly different, yet still something that fits well in the greater Marvel Cinematic Universe. The supporting cast and villain were really done too. They didn’t feel like just background characters or plot devices, they had a lot more personality than a lot of secondary characters in superhero movies usually do. Good times. Can’t believe Infinity War is almost here already too! Wooooo!
I got it into my head that I was going to watch The Cloverfield Paradox to see what all the fuss was about, but to do that, first I had to go back and watch the previous films in the “series”. I’ve seen this first one before, back when it came out, but wasn’t particularly excited by it at the time. I guess it’s another one of those movies that’s just so ridiculously over-hyped when it comes out that I couldn’t help but feel underwhelmed when it turned out to be so average. Going back and watching it again so much later without the surrounding hype cloud made for a little more enjoyable experience. It’s decent enough for a found footage movie, a genre that I think fails to be effective about 98% of the time.
Hadn’t seen this one before, but it was surprisingly good. It’s nothing like the first movie and makes for a pretty solid thriller, with some enjoyable, despite being pretty predictable, twists in the end. This was easily the best of the 3 for me.
And then there’s The Cloverfield Paradox, which seems to be the most hated movie of the year already. I thought the trailer looked interesting, and so was surprised to hear such strong hate towards it from what seemed to be the whole collective internet. You know what though? I didn’t think it was bad at all. I’m really not even sure what it was that people were so angry about. It’s not going to win any awards or be the next Star Wars or anything like that, but it was a perfectly decent sci-fi movie.
I don’t know enough about physics to know if any of it was technically scientifically accurate (I don’t know many, if any, sci-fi movies that actually are), so I didn’t have any problems there. The cast was fine, the effects weren’t revolutionary, but they were also perfectly fine. It didn’t look like a sci-fi channel original movie or anything.
I liked the story. Maybe it’s all the superhero comics I read, but all the strange alternate reality shenanigans throughout felt like pretty standard alternate reality shenanigans to me.
Ok, the part with the arm was pretty silly, but other than that I didn’t really have any complaints. I don’t understand the strong hatred towards it at all. I could see how people might have been mad if this had been in theaters as originally planned, but the people behind it realized that it wasn’t a strong enough movie to make it in theaters so they moved it to the modern equivalent of “straight to video”, and by straight to video standards, it’s perfectly fine if you ask me.
I originally wasn’t going to watch this. I had read so many strongly negative reviews that claimed that it was incredibly slow, boring, and pretentious, and it just all sounded like it would be too empty and artsy for my tastes. I can’t even remember why, but recently I suddenly changed my mind and thought fuck it, I’ll give it a try, let’s see what this is all about. Holy shit am I glad I changed my mind. What a great movie this was.
This is another one that’s difficult to discuss without giving anything away, and you should absolutely go into this knowing as little as possible and try to figure it out on your own, but I have to at least say a little bit about it.
Going in blind, it seems to be some kind of Cronenberg or Lynch type of surrealist dream-state, where every little thing clearly means something, but you’re not quite sure what. Everything that happens is very deliberately detailed and bizarre in such a way that evokes this sense of unease and dread, even if you have no idea what exactly is going on here yet. Eventually, you come to a point where you realize exactly what’s happening though, and suddenly everything you’ve seen before will make complete sense.
That’s about all I can say about it without getting into specific details. Just know that there is a very specific method behind what initially seems like madness, and it ends up being a truly fascinating and ambitious experiment in film-making that you will not soon forget.
This is a completely garbage ghost movie. Really unlikable dad Kevin Bacon brings his family to the Grand Canyon and their mentally handicapped son finds some magic ghost rocks and brings them home with them. I couldn’t help but think of that shitty old Brady Bunch special where they went to Hawaii and Bobby picked up that weird tribal statue in a cave and got them all cursed until he put it back. Anyway, their mental son starts acting strange because he’s being haunted, though he actually ends up being one of the least annoying members of the family. Their daughter is just a horrible bitch to everyone and has the most fucked up case of bulimia I’ve ever seen, to the point where she’s saving all her vomit in jars under her bed for some reason, and this doesn’t seem to even be related to the ghosts.
You’ll have to watch it yourself if you want to know more because I turned it off after almost an hour with almost no actual ghost activity at all, just a really unpleasant family whining and yelling at each other most of the time.
This always seemed like such a silly premise, and by all rights it’s not something that should work as a movie, yet somehow it does. Most of it is literally just Colin Farrell in a phone booth talking to Kiefer Sutherland, and that sounds so boring, yet they amazingly made it work with the power of a really good script. Pretty solid thriller.
Another attempt to get into the infamous cannibal sub-genre of horror movies, and I think it will be my last. I’ve heard so much about this movie over the years and always expected that it would be too grotesque even for me to sit through, but surprisingly it ended up being boredom that drove me to turn it off before it was over. Cannibal Ferox kept things somewhat entertaining by having such a horribly bad plot and cast of characters, that it was amusing to watch, but this one doesn’t even have that.
The movie starts off by explaining through a news report that 4 college students had gone to film a documentary in the jungle and disappeared, and so you expect this to be the story of how they ran into cannibals and were horribly killed. Instead the movie spends almost an hour just retrieving the kids’ tapes from the jungle and it’s just so incredibly boring. 3 guys go out to the jungle and try to make friends with 1 of 2 warring cannibal tribes so they can get their hands on the tapes, and surprisingly end up spending most of the time talking and observing various pointless tribal rituals. Occasionally they witness a scene of graphic rape and/or murder, but they don’t intervene, it just kind of happens because hey it’s the jungle.
I don’t know, the characters were just flat and boring, the plot was entirely uninteresting, and the graphic scenes felt like they were just randomly scattered in there for no reason other than cheap shock value. I gave up and turned it off because I didn’t care at all what happened to those 4 kids at that point, and I can’t imagine that the last half hour could have been amazing enough to make all the rest of it worth sitting through. Guess I’m just not into cannibal movies. Oh well.
Now this, this is what I imagined when I read all those bad reviews of Mother!. I don’t know what they were thinking with this movie. It wasn’t even that the pacing was slow and that almost nothing happened in my time with it, it’s that it felt like the script was generated by some kind of robot and that the actors had also all been replaced by robots. Everything was so painfully stilted and emotionless and the dialogue was so incredibly bad. It was like it was all written and performed by people who had never actually spoken to real people before. I’m sure that this was all intentional and meant to be some kind of commentary on the way people tend to conform to societal expectations and just go through the expected motions of their repetitive lives and etc etc, but it sure doesn’t make for an entertaining movie. It’s like trying to listen to an automatic text to speech program read a book to you. The book might even be good, but who the hell wants to hear a story told that way? Not me!
This is another movie that shouldn’t have been as good as it was. A low budget sequel to a goofy action movie from over 20 years ago? Under any other circumstances a project like this would be complete garbage, but somehow they actually did a decent job with this. Shooting this all in real locations in Myanmar and Thailand turned out to be a pretty smart move, as they managed to make this movie look pretty good for a straight to video sequel with such a low budget. It was well-filmed, had a mostly decent cast, and plenty of good action scenes. It felt like it was straight out of the 90’s, but in a good way.
And then there was Altered Carbon, which we ended up sitting through the entire season of in one sitting. Holy shit was this good. I had high hopes for this, but it was even better than I expected. They really took this all the way, with surprisingly good effects, a great cast, great plot, and some amazing action scenes. This series has it all and does cyberpunk better than probably anything else ever made so far. The only thing really missing was cyberspace decking. NOT ENOUGH DECKING!
Seriously though, this was an absolutely amazing show. Possibly my new favorite. Like Stranger Things, it also has a satisfying conclusion too, so just in case it doesn’t come back for some crazy reason, you could still at least re-watch this season again someday without regret or disappointment. Highly, HIGHLY recommended to anyone who likes sci-fi.
A decent little action/spy thriller, despite the movie slightly overreaching with its lesser budget. By this I mostly refer to a few CGI scenes later on in the film that are of a pretty questionable level of quality. Still, it has interesting characters and some pretty well-executed action scenes, most of which are terribly violent. The title may make it sound like it might be one of those goofy over-patriotic military recruitment type movies, but luckily it didn’t take that route at all.
This was much like The Conjuring, in that it wasn’t terrible, but I don’t really see what the big deal was. It’s a pretty standard haunted house movie that puts a slight twist on the usual plot, but it’s not one that really alters the fact that it’s still just another haunted house movie. Ok, the house isn’t actually possessed, the son is possessed. What does it matter? The results are the same.
It’s a well-produced and well-acted film for what it is, but it relies way too much on cheap tactics like cliched jump scares and the sudden blasting of really loud music, which is so loud and so frequent that it actually hurts your ears.
Overall, it was average at best.
Carried on to the next one anyway, because the first one ends with a complete cliffhanger so what the hell. This one was a little better in some ways, as it actually stops to explain a lot of the completely unexplained shit that happened in the first one and shows off the ghosts/demons a little more.
Man, the characters are so fucking dumb though. The family is just so painfully oblivious to the fact that the dad is possessed. He’s already acting really strange as it is, but at one point the wife even plays this song for him and asks him if he knows it, he says no and she responds “but that was the song I wrote for you. You don’t remember that song??”. She looks suspicious for a second then just shrugs it and all his other strange behavior off and moves on to something else and then acts surprised later when he stops pretending to be normal and just starts trying to outright kill everyone. Ridiculous.
It all ends on another semi-cliffhanger too. Dammit.
Now the 3rd one is suddenly a prequel, which is supposed to be related to the end of the 2nd one somehow. You know what though? They actually completely forgot to explain what that random ending of the 2nd one was about. OH WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME! This time a really dramatic and annoying teenage girl is possessed by spookums and we have to watch the old psychic lady from the first one dramatically act like she’s quit being a psychic rescue lady. The family has to spend a good chunk of the movie trying to convince her to get off her ass and help, which we all already know she will because she clearly was doing it again, and without hesitation, in the first movie. Why are we still watching these? I don’t even know. They make good background noise I guess.
Really? This was in theaters? That’s surprising. This is a pure straight-to-video action movie. It’s a lot better than your usual modern day straight-to-video Van Damme movie, none of which I’ve actually been able to sit through, but it’s pretty average. Scott Adkins has some good fight scenes, but the aging Van Damme’s fights looked like they were probably done by a stand-in. It’s watchable, but I wouldn’t exactly recommend it.
What a cheerful movie. Very well-made and well-acted, but utterly miserable. Two and a half hours of terrible things happening to people with no real resolutions for almost anyone in the end. It was certainly compelling enough to sit through it all just to see what would happen in this fucked up situation and if anyone was going to get out alive, but this is one of those movies that I doubt I’d ever watch again now that I’ve seen it. Once is enough.
Well, nothing washes the taste of a depressing movie out of your mouth like…a fucking awful cannibal movie? I guess? This is a special kind of bad.
Some fine examples: the three main characters are driving their jeep through the jungle, they swerve and crash because there’s…a lizard in the road. The guy in the group actually says “God damn jaywalking iguana!”. The girls get out and take a break while the guy’s fixing the car, and one of them sits in the grass and some big weird bug comes crawling up next to her. I’m not even sure what kind of bug it was, some weird brown mantis kind of thing, I don’t know, but the guy rushes over and kills it before it can attack the girl, and the girl says “Why couldn’t we have made it Acupulco, instead of this poison paradise?”, to which the other girl replies “All you would have found there would have been white widows”. What? But…it wasn’t even a spider? What? I get the joke, but urghgh!
Anyway, it’s kind of funny in it’s terribleness. It’s just so badly made and acted, and the dialogue is such a baffling mix of witty one-liners, complete nonsense, and casual misogyny, that you can’t help but laugh that people actually devoted such time to creating this abomination. Boy does it get incredibly gruesome when they meet those cannibals too. Avoid this like the plague if you’re at all squeamish. Some of it was a bit much even for me.
Another modern “horror” series that I’ve never bothered with until now. The Purge is exactly what it looked like, an interesting, if somewhat unrealistic, premise that’s entirely wasted by spending the whole movie in a single house. The result is just another “house under siege” thriller that does nothing new or good. The victimized family members are annoying, cliched idiots, the only bad guy that really speaks is so heavy-handed in his bad social commentary speeches, and there’s very little action to speak of, much less any horror. It just wants to beat you over the head with the not-so-subtle analogy to modern America where blah blah blah the rich exploit the poor under the guise of patriotism, but really it’s secretly about money and the class divide and hey kids, did you know that murder is bad, and etc etc! I mean, it’s not entirely wrong, but we’ve heard it all before, and conveyed in a much less sloppy way than this. Not a good movie at all.
You may be surprised to see that I continued to the next movie then, but I heard that the sequels were actually better than the original so I figured I might as well. Surprisingly, people were actually right and this was much more entertaining than the first. This one expands the scope of the original premise and stretches the plot out into the streets of a whole city instead of confining it all to a single house. The result is a much more chaotic and action-packed story that doesn’t take itself quite as seriously as the previous movie. It just takes it all completely over the top, with a group of people that find themselves trapped out in the open and caught between colorfully-clad roaming purge gangs and groups of high-tech government kill teams that have apparently been sent out to help clear out specific low-income areas. Big improvement over the first one if you ask me.
And finally there’s the most recent Purge. This one very loosely continues from the last one, with the same returning main character, but not really much of any other connection. It’s kind of more of the same, with another group getting stuck outside during purge night and trying to survive, but this time they have the additional goal of trying to keep this senator alive who’s trying to become president so she can end purge night. Didn’t quite like it as much as Anarchy, but it was still decent, and still much better than the first movie.
Another excellent crime drama by the writer of Sicario and Wind River. Kinda funny, because I was just in the same area of Texas on holiday break and we drove by a lot of places that looked like the ones seen here. Anyway, once again, great story and dialogue. Top notch drama that, much like Wind River, doesn’t rely entirely on violence, but does have a few very intense firefight moments. Thanks to Red Metal for the recommendation.
Oh, the tricky nature of early IMDB reviews. This had a much higher score at the time I grabbed it (a 6 something, which is relatively high for a horror movie), but is now down to a 3.8 already. It actually started off decently, with some semi-amusing dialogue and acting from the family before they start being menaced. It all falls apart once the menacing starts though, as it quickly turns into a bad knockoff of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Terrible acting from the villains, weak effects, and some bafflingly bad representations of real world physics with things like a guys hands exploding when he touches an electrified fence or when one of the bad guys snipes someone across a field with a shotgun. Another DNF!
I remember watching this as a kid and finding it pretty disappointing, so I’m not sure why I thought it would be worth watching again now. I guess I thought it would be good for a few laughs, but it’s just too terrible to enjoy. The story has a lot of potential, with a young outcast stumbling onto an alien weapon that ends up slowly taking over his mind and turning him into a murderous mutated killer, but the execution is just awful and the characters are all so miserably unlikable. Waste of time.
This one was directed by the writer of Sicario and Wind River, but not written by him. It’s a bit of a Saw knockoff and it’s not exactly terrible, but the plot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you stop to think about it. A bunch of strangers are drugged, kidnapped, and locked in a building where they’re told that they have to torture each other enough to fill the vials attached to their necks with valuable “brain fluids” within 24 hours if they want to be released. If the bad guys are just after the brain fluids in order to make money off them, this doesn’t really seem like the most effective method to get it. I guess the idea is to save money on labor, but all the effort it would take to set up and maintain this prison doesn’t seem like it would be much cheaper. At one point a lady brings up the point that these same chemicals are released in the brain during sex, but they all instantly reject the idea, even though there are a few couples there already, and jump right into torturing each other instead. Kinda silly.
This is a 90’s “classic”. Rutger Hauer has to catch a mysterious occult serial killer in the distant dystopian future of London, circa 2008. Ooh the far off future of 2008, where everything looks basically the same as the 90’s, just darker and dirtier and all the cars have cage windows! Anyway, the killer appears to be something more than human, and so gives Rutger and friends quite some trouble. He gets a comedic British sidekick and has Kim Catrall as his girlfriend, who has about the most pathetic British accent I’ve ever heard. It’s all very 90’s over the top and is more than a little ridiculous, but it’s an enjoyable enough movie for being basically a cheaper version of I Come In Peace. They never really bother to explain exactly what the creature is either. They hint that it was probably some kind of demon, but never actually confirm anything. Oh well.
I don’t know what it is about these Saw movies, but I could watch these things forever. Yeah they’re silly and it’s essentially just the same movie over and over again, but I just like all the inventive traps and plot twists. This one’s no different, despite the new name. It’s really just Saw 8, and feels just like the last 6 movies, but like I said, that’s fine by me. This one seems to pave the way for another pile of future sequels and I’m all for it. The creators of this series have this down to science by now, with great effects, great trap design, and a well written plot that keeps you guessing and feels fresh despite it following basically the same core formula as all the others. Good times.
This was…unusual. It’s not a particularly strange movie, it’s just strange in the sense that it’s such a non-traditional horror. In fact, it’s kind of misleading to call it a horror movie. It’s like a mainstream horror comedy chick flick. Really it’s just Groundhog Day with a light horror theme and a bunch of horribly unpleasant college girl film stereotypes. The horror aspect quickly takes a backseat to the main characters realization that she’s a horrible bitch and that she should probably try to use this opportunity to grow up and be a better person, which of course is going to be the ultimate solution to her predicament.
This all plays out exactly as predictably as you’d expect. Before she even gets killed and experiences the day resetting for the first time, all the stupid little things she’s going to end up fixing or using as proof of her situation or using to her advantage later are telegraphed so very hard and sloppily. You can see every little plot point coming 5 miles away, including the identity of the killer, but LOLZ THEY MADE A JOKEY REFERENCE TO GROUNDHOG DAY IN THE LAST MINUTE OF THE MOVIE SO IT’S NOT A RIPOFF, IT’S AN HOMAGE! Get the fuck outta here. Who wrote this thing? Scott Lobdell? Well, that makes a lot of sense.
Oh, and there’s also a scene where the killer comes after the girl at a frat party and finds her with a guy in a bedroom, kills the guy and jumps on her and they fall on the bed, and then some frat bro comes to the door and pokes his head in for some reason and the girl is screaming directly at him for help for a long, drawn out several seconds, and he sees this and he says “alright, bro!” or something and then leaves, with the implication being that he thinks “oh, it’s just a frat rape. Cool!”. FUCK YEAH! COOL FRAT RAPE JOKE, BRAH!
This didn’t look particularly interesting to me when it came out, but I figured I’d give it a chance since I’ve been watching all these other Blumhouse horror movies lately. It has an interesting premise, with the main character taking on demonic entities with the power of science instead of with religiously-backed exorcisms. He uses a strange method that allows him to enter the minds of the possessed to forcibly evict the malevolent presence from them, so it’s kind of The Exorcist meets Inception, at least in theory.
Unfortunately they show no imagination whatsoever when it comes to these mental realms. You’d think this would be an opportunity to show off some crazy mental landscapes and extravagant looking demons, but instead the mental realms just look exactly the same as real life. The only thing that’s different is the appearance of the main character. You’d think that these mental exorcisms would be more complicated too, and involve some big escape sequences or at least some kind of clever outwitting of the demons, but no, all the guy does is punch people out and run away. They’re in a mental realm where anything should be possible, and he wins by punching the mental representations of demons in the face. And you know what the demons look like when revealed? They look just like normal people, except their eyes turn black. It’s all just so lazy and generic. What a waste of potential.
A crime drama series by David Fincher and friends. Mindhunter takes place in the 70’s and deals with a pair of FBI agents’ research into the relatively new concept of serial killers. It’s not very visually graphic, but it does deal with some pretty dark subject matter. It’s extremely well written and acted though. Don’t expect this to be like Seven or anything, it’s more slow and methodical, and doesn’t play out in a flashy cinematic way. It’s more like if you took a procedural crime drama and made it much more realistic and R rated. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone interested in crime and/or psychology.
Don’t tell me how it ends though, we haven’t quite finished it yet!
Another Schumacher film, 8mm tries to take on the then-topical subject of snuff films. As a thriller it’s decent enough, though a bit heavy-handed. Cage also does some pretty bad acting, but I guess that’s to be expected, isn’t it?
Recently got it into my head to try some of these modern ghost house movies again after seeing the interesting looking trailer for Insidious 4: Dance of the Keymaster or whatever it’s called. Saw this one back around when it came out because everyone and their mother said it was “the most terrifying horror movie ever”, but then it turned out to be another average haunted house movie, so I’ve pretty much ignored all the sequels and spinoffs and other ghost house movies by the same director.
Trying it again, my opinion hasn’t changed a whole lot. It’s decent, but doesn’t really do much new or memorable for the haunted house genre. Still, I continued on…
I think this one was a good deal better. They got a little more creative with the story, threw some more nice creature effects in, and the atmosphere seemed a lot closer to creepy in general. The nun demon was pretty cool and apparently she’s now got her own spinoff movie coming by the director of The Hallow (one of the best recent horror movies), which I might have to actually go see in the theater this time.
The first spinoff of The Conjuring, which felt about the same as the first Conjuring. It’s another average haunted house movie with a few interesting bits, but it’s pretty slow paced and doesn’t really do anything new or exciting.
But again, I liked the sequel much more. Better story, more characters (the previous movie focused almost entirely on a single person), and a lot more creepy scenes and demon appearances. Good times. There was also a quick cameo by the nun from The Conjuring 2. They’re starting to build a whole little universe around all these nutty demonic entities, and that’s sure fine by me.
Do you know how many Amityville movies there are? This is apparently the NINTH one just since the 2005 remake! That makes for a total of 18 Amityville movies. What the fuck? I was never much of a fan of the series. I didn’t really like the original. Amityville 2: The Possession was pretty good, but then it was just a constant stream of garbage after that until that 2005 remake which was pretty good too. I haven’t touched any of the other straight to video garbage after that because they just look unbelievably bad. It seems that Blumhouse now owns the rights to Amityville though, and they have a sort of decent track record for horror movies. Well…they’ve done about an equal number of good ones and terrible ones, which is sadly a pretty good ratio by modern horror production standards.
Anyway, this one looked like it might be halfway decent for once, but guess what? IT WASN’T! ISN’T THAT SHOCKING? Sigh. It wasn’t terrible, I’ve seen much, much worse, but it’s not something I’d ever bother watching again. Supposedly it was originally rated R and got 13 minutes cut out of it to make a PG-13 rating for more mainstream appeal, because you know, all the kids love completely unpromoted Amityville movies…
Pretty decent comedy/heist movie. Kind of dry, not-laugh-out-loud comedy, but still managed to have a suitably entertaining plot. Not much else to say about it. Suitable if you’re looking for a new comedy.
From the director of the Basket Case movies comes this film that I assumed was from the 90’s, but shockingly turned out to be from 2008. What an awful, awful movie. This director is known for his incredibly twisted and trashy films, but this one takes the cake. A woman talks into the camera and excitedly explains that she has 7 clits and so needs to have sex constantly, but ends up getting so violent during that she usually kills the guy, and also magically has 2 hour long pregnancies each time that make her pop out little mutant babies that she just leaves lying where they popped out.
Really, it’s not all that different from the crazy plots of the Basket Case movies, but where those had a lot of goofy creature effects to gawk at, this just has a woman who can’t act very well talking into the camera a lot and having a lot of really badly acted sex scenes. The production quality is just horrible by relatively modern standards and it all just put me off before the movie could even be bothered to get around to introducing the guy with the mutant super dick for her to fall in love with like the movie’s descriptions say.
Another one from the director of Basket Case, this one’s from the 80’s and seems to have a budget more fitting of its time period. It’s cheap and completely ridiculous, but it still manages to do more with its limited budget than Bad Biology did. This one is the story of a man who finds a strange little creature which begins to inject amazing psychedelic drugs directly into his brain. Unfortunately, the drug is severely addictive and the creature happens to have his own addiction to eating human brains.
It’s not a great movie, but it’s…certainly something to see. Definitely unique and memorable, if a little rough around the edges.
Haven’t seen this one in quite a while. Brainscan is a painfully 90’s horror movie with a sci-fi twist that has a semi-sociopathic Eddie Furlong dealing with a CD-ROM horror game that seems to have come to life and taken over his world through the use of truly nonsensical technology that you could only see in a 90’s movie. It all has a kind of 90’s FMV game feel to it too. I don’t know that anyone who didn’t have a fixation with bad old FMV games could actually appreciate this one. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I like it anyway.
I don’t know why this was lumped in with my pile of crappy old horror movies. I guess because it was directed by Lamberto Bava, but it’s just a cheap action/drama film about a cop-turned-vigilante who carries around his signature weapon of…a futuristic shotgun with a high-tech scope on it. Who puts a scope on a shotgun? Ridiculous. Not that it matters much, because as soon as we’re shown this fancy gun, he puts it away and doesn’t touch it again until almost the end of the movie. Anyway, instead of him gunning down criminals in the city like you’d think, it’s about the guy’s life after he got caught and did time for gunning down a criminal, and how he tries to go live a quiet life afterwards in a backwoods country town, but ends up getting into a war with a bunch of hick locals over their questionable deer hunting tactics. Then his long lost daughter shows up and then gets raped and killed by the hicks, because of course she does. I guess in the end this is just another one of those “exploitation” films and I’ve never seen one of those that I’ve liked. This one’s no different. It’s not funny-bad, it’s just bad-bad.
Well, that does it for this time, and hey, I made it all the way through the B’s in my big pile of recent horror crap! Only 24 more letters worth to go…
Until next time…